Epiphanies and Other Bullshit

I’m troubled.

Hubby was out of town all last week and returned late Monday night. Last night he left for another trip of length and will be gone next week as well. The nature of his position requires a good amount of travel and I can’t very well complain because this position also allows me to stay home and take dirty pictures of myself.

What I realized when he left last night, after a pefunctory kiss and a half-hearted “Love you” as he sailed out the door, was that my life really isn’t any different when he’s gone. The kids still have to get to school and Tae Kwon Do, the dishes still need to be done, and the garbage will still have to go out tomorrow morning. I will sleep on my side of the bed, the dog will sleep on Hubbys, and the space between us will remain as it even when Hubby is here.

So what does that MEAN?

You’ve heard me say before that Hubby is my best friend, and I still maintain that it’s true. But has my bland resignation to his absence become complete apathy to his presence? We’re at a crossroads, I think.

Something has to change.

And please, I ask that you don’t advise me to “bring back the magic” with sexy e-mails and spontaneous expressions of Love. I’m not dismissing such gestures, I just know from experience that they have little or no effect. If I’m going to humiliate myself with grandiose overtures of my sexuality, I’d rather do it in a place where I can’t see you pick up the newspaper and stop paying attention.