Giving as Good as I Get

I have a confession to make. I haven’t always been the smooth, calm and collected woman you see before you. I know y’all find that hard to believe, but it’s true.

There was a time that I was compared to an “excitable puppy”, though I don’t take that as a bad thing. Is it wrong to be giddy at the thought of being with someone? To be impatient? I certainly hope not. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I hope someone felt that way about me at some point in my life.

I wear my heart on my sleeve- always have. Partially because I don’t know HOW to obfuscate and detract, but also because I feel like those things are tantamount to playing games. If I feel something, I say it. Or at least I make my feelings blatantly obvious in some other fashion: the tone of my voice, perhaps a facial expression, or maybe a kick to the giblets. Regardless, you’ll KNOW how I feel.

So why is it so wrong for me to expect the same from others?

I’ll tell you why: because other people have something to lose.

That’s right. I said it.

When you have something to lose, whether it’s your ego, your heart or your pride, you simply can’t afford to be vulnerable. And I’m not saying that I don’t have an ego (trust me, my ego is almost as big as my amazingly gorgeous ass). Likewise, I have pride and I have a heart.

So why am I not afraid to lose them to someone else? Because if I feel THAT way about you, I may very well want you to HAVE them.

But don’t be fooled: there will ALWAYS be a part of me that is on guard. I’ve been burned too many times to not wear oven mitts near the stove. What I’m saying is that you can have SOME of me…the pieces I’m willing to abdicate. And in time, I may give more and more of myself, but you have to deserve it.

”But isn’t that a form of game-playing?” you’ll ask.

No. It’s self-preservation.

I’ve often said that sometimes I worry that I gave all my “happy” to someone who didn’t know what to do with it. But that doesn’t mean I’m sorry that I gave it to him. It just means I’ll be more cautious next time.

A relationship, ANY relationship, can only survive and thrive if both parties are willing to give of themselves, and be willing to receive from the other. If you can’t give me certain non-negotiable things (trust, honesty, a nice hoodie here and there), this just ain’t gonna work. I give as good as I get. So if you feel as though I’m holding back, ask yourself if YOU have been doing the same.

Then, ask yourself WHY.

What do you have to lose? And are you afraid to give it freely, or are you afraid I’ll take it, misuse it and toss it back to you like an empty Twinkie wrapper?

It’s not in my nature to abuse such privileges. If you give me a part of you, I’ll hold it close whether I asked for it (or wanted it). I don’t throw such things away and people who do are fuck nuggets. After all, what on earth could be more valuable than someone trusting you with a piece of themselves? ANY piece?

The answer is NOTHING. So it behooves all of us to be wary with regard to whom we offer those bits and pieces. And because one day you may want them back, I promise to take good care of them. In fact, they will be in better condition than when you first offered them.

What you WON’T get back is your hoodie.