Deep Thoughts on the Pennsylvania Turnpike

(Originally posted 4/2015, postscript added below)
Betcha thought I disappeared again, huh? Spring Break beckoned and we packed up the car and headed to our nation’s Capitol for a good old-fashioned family road trip! Needless to say, private time was slim to none, and we all know that opening this particular site can be a hit-or-miss proposition when the kiddos are in the vicinity. Better to err on the side of discretion, I always say .

But now I’m back home where I belong- a bit tired and mentally drained, but safe and sound.

I had a lot of time on the road to think (never a good thing). I gave myself permission to really THINK about what it is I want, why I’m sad and angry, what needs to change and how to go about changing it. Deep thoughts, indeed. I won’t go into all of it, but I had an epiphany of sorts somewhere around Pittsburgh…

What I realized is that deep inside, I am NOT a happy person. I used to be, at one point. But for the last two years, I have been angry, resentful and bitter and it’s affecting my family. I know Hubby looks at me and wants to know why, but he won’t ask. He already knows why, deep down in his heart. He knows it’s his fault.

Imagine a flower…Put it in a beautiful, expensive pot and place it in a sunny spot. Decorate the pot with diamonds and surround it with other equally lavish pots with plants in them. But don’t feed it. Don’t water it. What’ll happen to it? It will eventually shrivel up and die.

And that’s what’s happening to me.

All the praise and compliments in the world don’t mean anything when they aren’t coming from the person you value the most. And when you humiliate yourself and ASK that person for what you want and they don’t give it to you? It’s fucking DEVASTATING.

So what now?

Well, I need to channel this frustration and anger into something POSITIVE. Prior to leaving for DC, I made a decision to make some MAJOR changes in my eating and exercise habits. Part of my decision was based on some pretty crappy bloodwork that came back from the doctor- my cholesterol is of the charts. So I’m increasing my workouts with my trainer to five days a week and starting the BodyBeast workout/eating plan.I think if I focus my energy on feeling better physically, it’ll help my mental state as well. I can’t make major life choices when I feel like shit, ya know?

So that’s where I’m at. Not sexy or glamorous or exciting, but it’s my reality for the next few months. I told Hubby what to expect and he claims to be on board. Whether he is or not, it’s not my problem anymore. I need to make changes for MYSELF now.

Postscript: NOTHING about this post has changed. Not. One. Thing.

FML 🙄.