Closing the Gap with My Geezer

My boyfriend turns 59 today.

Fifty fucking nine.

By the way, I’m 45.

What fuckery is this?? When did I decide to be with a man 14 years older than me?? Maybe I didn’t really decide. Come to think of it, I don’t think I even gave it a second thought.

When we first started and he was a mere infant of 51, the discrepancy never really occurred to me. Although looking back, it SEEMS as though the gap should have been more pronounced. He was 51 and I was 37. THAT seems like a major difference, even though the bottom line is the same: my boyfriend is 14 years older than I am.

Do I care? Not really.

He’s good in bed. He’s intelligent, funny (though not as funny as I am), and he’s…well, he’s THAT GUY.

What I find most interesting is that when we met, he wasn’t very sexually adventurous, or very expressive. And most people get LESS liberal as they get older, but he seems to have regressed. As the years have gone by, he has opened up and allowed me to experiment and test his borders a bit, and I respect him for that. I doubt we would have lasted this long if he hadn’t given me some latitude in that arena.

I’m a passionate woman- I think ya’ll know me well enough to know that by now. And I’ve had my share of adventures during past relationships, but I have to admit that things feel a lot better when you’re sharing them with someone you REALLY care about. At this point, there are very few things we HAVEN’T tried. And truth be told, anything that we’ve not tried is because it’s downright disgusting. I mean, scat? REALLY?

Ew.

We celebrated his birthday last weekend since I’d be busy with the kids’ softball and baseball tournaments during his actual birthday weekend. And in honor of his birthday, I actually allowed him to tie me up, lol. No one has ever done that (with my permission, anyway), so it was a bit scary at first. What’s more, it was HIS idea! He even brought the restraints! I wondered where he had gotten them, but he said that he had them sitting around from his last marriage.

That kinda weirded me out.

Not because his ex was a freak (which she apparently was), but because it wouldn’t be something we were each experiencing for the first time. Plus I don’t like the idea of another woman being better in bed than I am, at least where he’s concerned. I admit it- I’m a bit arrogant that way. I want to be the one who makes him smile 20 years from now, while he’s rocking in his chair at the old folks home. Shit, I want to be the one he remembers on his death bed.

But back to being tied up…

I’m not sure what turned him on about it. Was it that I was at his mercy? And what turned ME on the most? Was it that I could essentially place my pleasure solely in his hands and not have to think about it? Was it that fantasy of having a man control me? I honestly don’t know.

This post has been kinda all over the place, hasn’t it? I have a lot of things on my mind lately and I’m not sure how to process them all.

What I know for sure is that I DON’T know what the future holds for me and THAT GUY. He likes to remind me that despite the fact that he’s physically fit and healthy, he’s not going to be able to get it up forever. One day, it’ll just…stop working. And I wonder what will happen when that day comes. I think we BOTH wonder about it. Our relationship isn’t ALL about sex, but sex is a large part of it. Without that, I guess I don’t know how I’ll be able to communicate my feelings for him.

And what’s even worse, how will he communicate his feelings for me? Sure, he opened up and told me he loves me, but that openness won’t last forever (though I wish it would). Sex is one way he shows me how he feels about me. When that’s gone, what’s left?

THAT GUY would say that I’m reading into things and that I should just relax and take things as they come.

And that’s all well and good, but what happens when they stop coming at all?