Say What You Need to Say

I’m really tired of censoring myself.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m ABLE to say things. I mean, I have a voice box and am able to expend the necessary energy required to speak and technically, no one is preventing me from doing it…Except me.

Why do we hesitate? Why do we screen ourselves? Why do we change what we say to make it more acceptable to our audience? Worse yet, why do we decide to NOT say anything at all?

There are a few answers to consider:

1. We don’t want to hurt the intended recipient and once it’s out there, you can’t take it back.

2. We don’t want to leave ourselves vulnerable, especially to someones indifference.

3. We know in our hearts that saying something won’t make a difference in the big scheme of things.

4. Because saying something out loud makes it blatantly REAL.

In my case, I think it’s #2. Or #3. Then again, it could be #4. But #1 is a viable reason as well.

HOW THE FUCK CAN ONE STATEMENT FILL ALL 4 OF THOSE CRITERIA?? It must be some sort of “overachieving” statement. Ugh. Figures.

I want to say things. I want to have the strength and fortitude to scream from the rafters.

My reticence stems from the way I was raised, but Hubby has really helped me with this issue. When we got married, I was unable to express myself adequately, which resulted in a need for me to OVER-explain myself. But he gradually assured me that not only I could tell him anything, I could say it any way I wanted to and we’d make any apologies after we figured out what I really meant to say. I would preface my statement with, “I’m not sure how to say this…” and that was his cue to brace himself. It worked for a while and I am eternally grateful that he tolerated my awkwardness, but now that I am sure ‘how to say this…’, I know that being unusually brusque or insensitive just comes off as really hurtful and rude. In other words, I have no excuse anymore. But I still tend to over-explain myself to people who don’t know me well enough to discern my true intent, which drives both of us crazy.

The bottom line is that I want to tell people to fuck off. My dad, my kids’ softball coach, one of the mothers on the PTA, and (on occasion), my husband. And every now and then, I want to tell random people who drive like assholes, park like douchebags and behave like fuckwits that there is a special place in hell that’s reserved just for them and that it sucks to be them because it seems the direct route to hell goes right through my big, fat asshole.

I want to tell people that I love them. I say it to my kids and husband all the time, because I truly believe that it’s something that can’t be said too often. I’m not sure they get it though. The depth of my love, I mean. But I guess that’s THEIR issue- not mine, lol. I want to tell THAT GUY that I love him. He knows it- it’s not as if it would be a grand revelation. I just…don’t feel like I SHOULD. Where he’s concerned, there is definitely a fear of ‘saying it too often’, which presents other issues and neuroses but that’s another post altogether. That man has already made it abundantly clear that he thinks I’m way too emotionally needy and exceedingly yappy- I don’t need to give him any more ammunition. Of all the people in my life, he’s second in line behind Hubby when it comes to making me feel like I should STFU when I have something to say. There’s something inherently wrong about that, but I don’t have the time or the inclination to explore it further.

I want to be the person that people hesitate to ask, “What do you think about THIS?” because they know that I’ll be 100% honest in my response. They should fear me and my honesty. I shall carry it about my personage like a talisman.

But I can’t. And I’m not that person. And I don’t know why I can’t be. And I’m not sure HOW to be.

All I know is that for someone who never speaks up, I sure manage to talk a lot.