The Burning Straw and The Fire Extinguisher

I once tweeted that ‘Closure is like a fire extinguisher. You never think you need it until you’ve set your whole life on fire’.

Sounds crazy, but it’s true. It’s strange, the behaviors that we subconsciously exhibit when we don’t allow ourselves the necessary time and outlet to grieve, express anger or vent frustration. Trust me- I know.

I told myself I didn’t need closure. I was rid of THAT GUY and I was the better for it. Those of you who have been around for a while know that I’ve sung this refrain many times before, only to swing back around for another rousing chorus of ‘But I Love Him’. Only this time, I actually managed to listen to my head instead of my heart. How, you may ask?

Well it seems that memes do really come true.

I read enough missives posted on Facebook about how ‘people will always make time for what’s important’ and ‘you have to get up from the table when respect is no longer being served’ and ‘actions speak louder than words’, blah, blah, blah. After a while, it seemed as though they were being aimed right at me (though I knew they really weren’t- I just have some really mushy friends). But maybe the memes were speaking to me for a reason.

And maybe it was time to listen.

THAT GUY had been consistent for 12 years, and yet over the past few months there were subtle changes in his behavior. Little things. Little white inconsistencies, if you will. Enough to throw up red flags and put me on alert. And then it happened- 10 days of radio silence. Ten days, after 12 years of predictable contact, with the only exception being when THAT GIRL was in town. And even in those instances, I sometimes got the odd ‘hello’ here and there. He often commented that he spoke to ME more often than he spoke to HER. So yeah, ten days of silence is an eternity.

Granted, THAT GIRL was in town as her mother had passed away. Obviously I wouldn’t hear from him for a few days- it was a given. But he told me when the funeral would take place and when he anticipated that she would be leaving to return to her job. I gave it another 5 days after that and still…nothing.

That’s some Grade A bullshit.

So after contacting him to make sure he’s ok (via email in case she’s still around), he texts back that he’s alive and waiting on a client. And attaches a stupid meme to boot.

WTF?

So I reply that I’m glad he’s ok, and to never contact me again because I’m not his afterthought. Then I blocked him.

And man, it felt GOOD…For a while.

Then it felt shitty. Then it felt good again. Then it felt REALLY good. Then it felt…nothing.

And here I am three months later and I’m still trying to figure out how I feel. We’ve had minimal contact here and there, mainly because I’ve texted him accidentally (Siri can understand ‘J’espere que nous pourrons nous revoir la prochaine fois que je serai á Paris’ but can’t tell the difference between ‘chef’ and ‘Jeff’?), and I emailed him about returning his sweatshirt, but that’s about it. I don’t think he really cares much about not chatting any more. He commented that I should delete his phone number if I don’t plan to speak to him again and that ‘he’d be sad but he’d understand’.

Well, if he’d understand why I don’t want to speak to him then I guess he understands why I’m hurt. And if he understands that, then he would either:

A. Apologize for hurting me,

B) Justify what he did to try and make me understand that I shouldn’t be hurt because it’s a misunderstanding, or

C) Walk away if he feels he didn’t do anything wrong and doesn’t give a shit to try and fix things.

Truthfully, I’m guessing it’s

D) Give up because he’s tired of this shit and walking away is easier and besides, his new side piece is more interesting.

Yeah. I’m pretty sure there’s a new side piece. And I kinda don’t much care. That right there tells me something. I should be raging jealous and mad, but I’m not. Truthfully, I wouldn’t believe anything he said right now anyway, so there’s no point in trying to reconcile things.

Anyhoo…The point of all this is closure. Do I need it?

Yes. Apparently I do. But I need to get it for myself, BY myself. Because that sentence is the key: I wouldn’t believe anything he said anyway, so there’s no point in speaking with him. He’s not going to change his behavior, he probably doesn’t believe he did anything wrong. So I’ll scream into the abyss and let it go:

You fucked up a good thing because you’re lazy and thoughtless. You should have come to my shop and you WOULD have if I meant anything to you. You didn’t because you are lazy and thoughtless. It was easier not to and you knew that I would ‘let it go’ because I let so many things go over the years.

You can say that you didn’t try to fix this because I told you not to contact me but we both know that’s a cop out. You didn’t want to fix it. If you did, you would have tried to. I don’t blame you for not trying- this isn’t me setting you up for failure and then gaslighting you. When I said ‘don’t contact me’ I knew you wouldn’t. I knew you’d breathe a sigh of relief because I let you off the hook.

You can say you’re sad that we aren’t friends, but you’re just seeking absolution from some sort of self-imposed guilt. We could never have ended this as friends. It would have ended one of three ways: With THAT GIRL moving in (which means we would part ways amicably and never speak again), with one of us dying (which means we would part ways amicably and never speak again), or it would end the way it’s ending now, with us parting ways with a bit of salt, but essentially never speaking again.

In none of these scenarios do we end up as friends.

You have someone else in your life and that’s fine. I hope she fills whatever need it is that I stopped filling. And I know that I stopped filling a need- I take ownership of that. I stopped the hero worship and the excitable puppy-ness that you loved so much. It wasn’t intentional- I think it just happened as a result of my anger over you not coming to the shop. It’s not like I asked you to come see the new color I painted my house. It’s not a birthday party I asked you to attend. It’s a shop I worked hard for that I wanted my FRIEND to see. You never even acknowledged it as an accomplishment- never ordered anything, never said you were proud of me. Nothing. And it hurt.

But I feel better now. Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to a relationship is for one person to finally get their shit together and maybe that’s what happened here- I finally got my shit together and had a bonfire.

My last straw was on fire and now it’s out.

If only I knew what to do with the ashes…