A Lawyer, A Banker and a Loser Walk into a Bar…

So…I did a thing.

Back in the day I was on this app, right? The one where I met THAT GUY? So I decided that maybe I should give it another shot and who knows, maybe lightening can strike twice.

My profile was quick and to the point: No dudes outside of IL (which is not my home state, but I don’t play in my home state so I use that as my ‘base of operations’), no married fellas, no one over 60 or under 45…stuff like that. I was pretty specific since I’m really not into wasting anyone’s time.

Within about 15 minutes, I was regretting ever setting foot in The Cesspool. It was like Oprah Winfrey’s Porn Party: You get a dick pic! And you get a dick pic! Everyone gets a dick pic! And in case you want to make sure I know where the penis goes, here’s a picture of me actually putting it in someone’s vagina!

Look here, Chump Change, I assume you’ve had a hamburger before. I don’t need to see you chowing down at McDonald’s just to make sure you know how to eat a Happy Meal.

Time to shut down my profile and do a rewrite…

Addendum I: Do not send me a dick photo unless you want it posted on Elon’s app so we can see who recognizes it.

• Subsection a: You are not an exception to the rules. If you are <45 or >60, don’t contact me. If you are married, don’t contact me. If you use drugs, smoke, or live outside of IL, (say it with me) DON’T CONTACT ME.
• Subsection b: The Maternal Clause. If you wouldn’t say it to her, don’t say it to me.

Well, that weeded out some of the riff-raff. Now let’s welcome our three finalists, John, Mike, and Joe (not their real names).

John is an attorney from northern IL. He is amicably divorced with two kids and looks forward to meeting me soon.

Mike is a banker who resides downtown and has never been married, with no plans to in the future. He prefers to play the field and is eager to meet a woman who does not wish to settle down.

Joe is between jobs, isn’t sure what he’s looking for (“Ummm…I don’t know. Sex, I guess?”) and has lots of free time. He is also RIDICULOUSLY HOT.

Shaddup. Don’t judge me.

Anyhoo…I’ve been chatting with these fellas intermittently over the last few weeks and it gets awfully confusing- I can’t remember what I said to which guy. This is where it comes in handy to be an honest person. The problem is that I think I might be repeating myself.

I also have sent photos to each of them, and by ‘photos’, I mean un-retouched face pics of me after I’ve been cleaning my kitchen and I’m all sweaty and gross. Full transparency, no catfishing, no surprises. What you see is what you get. Don’t get me wrong- when and if they make it through security, they’ll get First Class treatment. I’ll have the landing strip waxed and lights and flashers on the runway, a cocktail on the end table and a nice little mint next to their complimentary sleep mask.

Each one of these guys responded favorably to the photos, but who the hell knows why? The ratio of men to women in The Cesspool is ridiculous. When you throw in the bots and scammers, the prospects become even more pathetic. It’s possible that these guys were just so fucking surprised to have a REAL woman respond to a message and engage them in conversation that they didn’t care what I looked like. I’m not being self-deprecating- I honestly believe that it may not have mattered. I should test that theory and try sending a pic of me that’s just hideous and see what happens. I’ve never sent a photo and been ghosted, but that ain’t saying much on a site like The Cesspool.

So, I guess we’ll see where things take us. I’m not optimistic about Joe. To be fair, I don’t really care that he doesn’t have a job- I’m not looking for a sugar daddy, but intelligence and ambition are a turn on and he doesn’t seem to have much of either. Then again, did I mention that he is RIDICULOUSLY HOT? On the other hand, I don’t do one night stands and want an ongoing FwB, so I need someone who can maintain my interest. On the flipside, he has abs I can grate cheese on.

The bottom line is whether any of them are worth waxing my bottom line.

Because right now, that’s going to require an awful lot of wax.