Just Em(Pathetic)

For the love of Pete, why can’t I just leave well enough alone???

My dad once said that ‘Just because the sun shines out of your ass, that doesn’t mean it’ll warm the world”. As much as that dude makes me want to kick a toddler, he’s right.

After seeing Marlboro Man at the match on Sunday, I made the bonehead choice to text him and suggest that he come to the lake and just chill and relax because he’s obviously stressed as fuck. He’s told me as much during the match and frankly, he looked like he was about to explode. The tension was coming off him in waves the entire time. His wife and daughter were there, and I don’t know if that was helping or hurting the situation, but later I found out that he was scheduled to leave for Gun Games right after the match and it’s a long drive. Maybe it wasn’t tension as much as impatience.

Whatever it was, he seemed really angry? Tense? Stressed? I don’t know. All I know is that when I feel that way, sitting by the water helps so I suggested that he might want to come to the lake. I’ve offered the house to his family in the past, so I figured he’d understand that I didn’t have an ulterior motive but I see now that he might have thought otherwise.

Anyway, I said he could come and we’d drink beers and shoot the shit and maybe have a chance to start over again. I didn’t expect a response, really. He had a long drive. Maybe he’d take me up on the offer after Gun Games or something, I wasn’t going to press the issue.

The next day I asked if I could follow him on FB again because after seeing him shoot, I remembered how much I really enjoyed watching his videos. My exact words were ‘I sent a request. Accept it if you think it’s appropriate’. Apparently, he didn’t find it appropriate.

Ok. Message received. I rescinded my request after a few days. Not gonna ask why- I assume either he hates me, or his wife does.

But wtf? He’s friendly, he gives me the fist bump, he gives me a hug, once again I think we’re ok after he’s all cold and weird at a Conference, and now this. That man is moodier than a premenstrual teenager who ran out of Midol and chocolate.

It’s not like he’s the only one I show this deference to. When Blondie was at Sniper Camp, she was STRESSED. Like, she called me crying. I sent her a care package to try and cheer her up, just to let her know I’m thinking of her. When Utah told me that she’s giving plasma to help pay for an upcoming major event, I sent her a gift card for her birthday to help defray costs and booked her a hotel for one of the qualifiers. I try to help when I can. I want people to be happy, to make their lives easier. I recognize that I have it pretty frickin’ good.

In Marlboro Man’s case I can’t exactly send him a care package, lest his wife get her hackles up. She may wonder WHY some rando is sending her husband a funny t-shirt or whatever. Then again, she may wonder why I’m inviting him to my lake house, eh? But I suppose we could have him teach another class, which he loves to do. He’d make some money, which is always a good thing and then he can relax afterward.

Whatever. It’s a moot point, which it always is with him. And the need to thank him for something he did for me which he didn’t do on purpose and doesn’t care about (the aforementioned not sexually assaulting me), is really MY issue. My need to show gratitude to people is a bit ridiculous since I refuse to accept it myself when I do nice things.

I need to stop trying to help people and fix things for people, especially people who don’t want or need or appreciate my efforts. I think the closest term I can attribute it to is Survivors Guilt. I feel guilty because I don’t feel like I deserve what I have, or that I earned it. And yes, I also want the people I love to have awesome experiences and if I can make their lives easier, all the better. I’m not some virtue signaling Robin Hood- this isn’t that. This is just recognizing that I am able to do this, so why wouldn’t I?

I don’t ask anything in return. Granted, if Marlboro Man did take me up on my offer I would hope we could start over and maybe be friends, but if he said, “Just give me an ashtray, some beer and music, and leave me alone”, I’d respect that because the whole purpose is for him to relax and reset. I don’t like the idea of someone being sad/angry/sick/unable to participate in things, especially if I’m easily able to help. It makes me feel helpless.

But maybe I just need to help, less.