The Reservation Cancellation

I was going to go. I was going to go to Missouri and surprise Blondie and wish her a happy birthday, but instead I’m going to stay home.

This makes me sadder than it should for many reasons.

6 weeks ago I hatched this plot to sneak in and surprise her. I know she didn’t want a big to-do (at least she said she didn’t, but she’s one of those people who sometimes says one thing but means another). Personally, I think she was worried that if her ‘Boys’ knew and didn’t make a big deal of it, she’d be disappointed, so she decided to avoid the issue altogether. It’s exactly what I would have done. Her ‘Boys’ are of course the Range Officers at the Gun Games and the ones whose validation she works so desperately to obtain.

Anyhoo, I’ve been vacillating about this trip for the past month because of Marlboro Man. He would be there as would The Bird, and neither seem to be huge fans of mine depending on the day. Blondie may not want a big to-do, but I thought maybe seeing a friendly face who made the effort and expense to fly in just to give her a hug would make her feel special.

Well, on my birthday (which was yesterday) I received a text from her that said ‘Happy Birthday!!’ When I immediately replied with ‘Thanks Dollface! How are things going?’ I got no response. 🤔

Now, I admit that seeing Marlboro Man was about 20% of the impetus for going. Truth be told, the chances of seeing him had about the same odds as I had planned to sneak in when everyone would be on the range and she is located in the clubhouse. I have a message for him in the form of a post here on WordPress, a private one that I had planned to send him as a link. It would be the ‘thank you’ I have been trying to convey for the past many months, along with a clear statement that he wouldn’t be hearing from me again. It was a lighthearted message (I’ll be posting it soon), but sending the link was predicated on seeing him in Missouri so I could ‘read the room’ so to speak and see if it was even appropriate.

Why even send it when he clearly doesn’t like me as a human being and obviously doesn’t want to hear from me at all? Because I’m a teenage girl and this is high school and I want him to meet me in the cafeteria and ask me to prom. Duh.

I’m quite aware of how juvenile all of this is and how immature and desperate I seem, Wise Reader. Trust me. The more I say it, the dumber it all sounds.

Well I just couldn’t seem to make up my mind about the trip so I decided to text The Bird and let her have the last word.

“I’m sure you’re absolutely SWAMPED so I’ll keep it quick.

I was hoping to surprise [Blondie] for her birthday on Saturday. I know she hates any sort of pomp and circumstance, so I thought I’d just sneak in, give her a hug and maybe a cupcake/candle and bolt out of there.

I’m able to get a flight that gets me in on Friday and out on Saturday night. I figure I could pop in around 2pm when everyone is on the range and no one would even know I was there.

I wanted to check with you first to make sure it’s kosher.

Thoughts?

I hope things are going smoothly-I’m sure everyone is having a blast and I hope you are as well!”

“Hi! [Blondie] was pretty clear with me that she didn’t want her birthday acknowledged this year. I think it might really upset her if we do.

Text her privately or call her. I think that would make her feel special and respected.”

“Message received! Thanks for getting back to me.”

So there you have it. Message received, indeed. No real greeting, no ‘hope you are doing well’ or ‘miss you this year’. So much for Blondie’s refrain of ‘The Bird doesn’t hate you! She told me so!”

Well of course she’d say that. She professional enough that she’s not going to tell you she hates one of your best friends.

Whatever. The bottom line is that I’m not going to Missouri, I’m not going to see Blondie or Marlboro Man, and I’m not sending the link. This is it. If I ever see him again, it won’t be until next April at Conference and that’s if I even decide to stay with BWB. By then he’ll have forgotten I exist, the whole gratitude issue will be long past its ‘sell by date’ and I’ll have no reason to talk to him.

All the Shamans and mediums and tarot card readers and inspirational memes that cross my feed for the last two months have been telling me to let go of what doesn’t serve me and to move on. To start fresh and that Frigidaire is in Gatorade and it’s time to be strong and trust that what is meant to be will come to me.

There is a bigger picture and I need to believe that people are being removed from my life for a reason. There is a lesson in this.

I just need to figure out what it is.