Nature vs. Nurture vs. Needs

This is a long one, so grab a drink and get comfortable. Or just close this window and go back to watching porn. Up to you.

(Ahem) Relationships.

They’re an enigma, aren’t they? It takes so much give and take to maintain one, whether it’s with a friend, a spouse, a kid, a boss…they’re pervasive and a pain in the ass.

Lets take the example of a relationship I have with my kids. Well, they hate one another, so at times I want to hand them each a kitchen knife and scream “There can only be ONE”. But the law frowns upon that. Assholes.

When it comes to your children, you really have to walk a fine line. Anything (and I mean ANYTHING) can scar them forever and ensure they end up dancing on a pole, or shooting up in an alley. And it’ll be ALL YOUR FAULT.

So we tiptoe. We tread lightly. We walk on eggshells…see where I’m going with this? Unfortunately, I am not a delicate person. My kids fight and I tell them that I’m going to sell them to the circus. They sass me and I warn them that I brought them into this world, and I’ll damn sure take them out of it.

But in all that is the knowledge that I’m trying to prepare them for the REAL world. I refuse to allow them to end up mooching off society. This “every kid gets a trophy” mentality makes me want to slap the PTA and burn down the school along with them in it (the PTA, not the kids).

My kids will learn to stand on their own two feet, if for no other reason than I might throw them out of the house next week if they don’t stop calling each other “butt wipes”. Plus, I plan to travel in my golden years so I’ll need them out of my hair. Sending them out into the world kicking and screaming (but capable) is necessary.

And it’s my job.

Moving along to the relationship I have with my husband…

…and that’s all I have to say about THAT. We have NO relationship (hence the aging, liver-spotted lover). We are cordial to one another, we genuinely LIKE each other, but love? Sex? Intimacy? They’ve gone the way of the dodo. ‘Nuff said (at least for now). Let’s just say we’re good friends.

Next on the agenda: Friends.

When it comes to “friends”, my stance is simple: Be good to me, and I’ll be good to you. I spent many years being taken for granted and being taken advantage of. I was kinder than I needed to be, which attracted some pretty toxic people. As I’ve gotten older, it’s become easier to spot them a mile away and to avoid them. The ones who were already a part of my life were annexed with haste.

Personally, I don’t like many women. Right now, I consider three women to be my close friends and one of them is my older sister. But even given that lofty status, the truth is that I don’t really confide in any of them. Why?

“Vulnerability” is not an affect I embrace. I don’t entrust anyone with my deepest secrets because I don’t trust anyone that much. My therapist is different because well, I PAY him to be. And thank goodness for a low copay because frankly, I keep him pretty busy.

So finally we come to Loverboy (and yes, hubby knows about him, which oughta give you more insight into our marriage).

Our relationship is complicated…it’s been 7 years and we’re still plodding along. We never even considered actually committing to one another as more than Lover/ Lovie because we’d probably kill each other. We’re VERY different people, made obvious by his dislike of peanuts.  Plus, he’s a Bears fan 🤮.

We’ve evolved (if you can call it that) into something convenient, safe and predictable, which is about as torrid as a flat Mountain Dew. That’s not to say that it isn’t fun…it honestly is. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have stuck it out for this long. I still get excited to see him. I still happily expend effort to make our visits special. In fact, 90% of my lingerie and toy collection exist because of HIM.

Our dynamic has changed DRASTICALLY since we first met, in good ways and bad. But we hold on because I think he’s worried that finding someone new would be EXHAUSTING for him and I’m not sure he has the energy (or enough viable years left) to start looking. Plus I’m really good in bed. Like, REALLY good.

I used to wear rose-colored glasses, projecting the missing pieces of my marriage on him in the hopes that he’d grab those pieces and find a way to make them fit into his life. I wanted him to give me what hubby didn’t- intimacy, sex and yes, a little bit of love.

Thing is, he’s not that guy. In the past I pouted and stamped my feet. I begged for some signal that I meant something more to him- I begged for that emotional intimacy. And who the fuck BEGS for intimacy? I don’t beg for ANYTHING, including forgiveness and winning lotto numbers. His response? “I’m just not that guy”. The nicest thing he has said to me (without copious prompting), is that I am his Fantasy Girl. Well, duh. (See above about how I’m great in bed). Any compliments he extends refer to something sexual, or physical. Sigh.

After walking away (and coming back) several times, I eventually gave up hope. It happened so slowly that I didn’t even realize it. I think I just accepted that I’m not going to get that part of him, so I’ll just focus on the parts I DO have, namely his penis. We have great sex. EPIC sex. And it’s just good enough to make me forget about the lack of romance. That is, until the afterglow fades. At that point, I wonder why I’m still doing this and my thoughts are often accompanied by a feeling of overwhelming sadness.

The answer is, because I love him. I also happen to LIKE him. I compromised my needs because he was just THAT important to me. But how long can that last? With me giving and he taking and only giving back just enough to keep me hanging on? And I’m not suggesting that he CONSCIOUSLY plays games with me, but it has crossed my mind.

See, I don’t always believe that he loves me, at least unless we’re in the throes of crazy sex, and even then it’s tempered by the knowledge that once his erection subsides, so will his affection. But I never NEEDED him to fall in love me- it wasn’t part of our initial deal and I still hold to it even 7 years later. Just because I feel that way about HIM, I’m not concerned with reciprocity the way I am with my platonic friends, but shit: it’s been 7 years and if he doesn’t love me just a little by now, that’s just fucked up. I need SOMETHING that tells me that I mean more to him than just two tits, a couple of holes, and a heartbeat, and at some point, “I’m just not that guy” ain’t gonna cut it.

One day, I’m going to sit down and really evaluate this particular relationship. Why I’m here, what I need, what I’m missing and where things are going. It’ll be easier for him to walk away because he has other things to focus on that keep him busy. Me? Sure, I could find a new lover before you can say “Bend over and squeal like a pig”. But then I have to have a real conversation with myself about applying REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS with any new endeavor, which is something I lack in my current one.

Nature vs. Nurture might apply here…It’s his nature to keep his emotional distance and to not express feelings. I try to nurture him in the hopes that he will. It’s obviously not working, but I DO know that I can’t keep trying forever.

I know Loverboy will read this and I hope he takes it for what it is: Me, pouting and stamping my feet (again). We all need to vent now and then and frankly, he’s heard all of this before. Many times, in fact. He won’t get angry, he never does…at least not that he’s ever shown me. Maybe because he’s just “not that guy”.

I’ve often said that, sometimes in life you’ll get MORE than you bargained for, or LESS than you deserve and you need to learn to adapt to both. I’ve experienced both sides of this equation and I think I’m to the point where my response is a resounding, “Fuck that!”. I know what I can handle and goddamn it, I FINALLY know what I deserve.

So Wise Readers, the big question now is:  In the midst of nurturing my kids, my husband and my lover, WHO THE FUCK IS NURTURING ME?

Thing is, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to like the answer.