Chasing Cars

I’ve read a lot about infidelity as of late…seems the “President” (yes, I use air quotes when referring to him) is making some of us question our morality (or lack thereof). As usual, post formed itself as I sat on my fat ass…

What if, just once, Lucy didn’t yank the football away from Charlie Brown?

What if he got what he wanted? What he’d been yearning for all this time, which is To Make a Connection?

See, it’s all about getting what you wished for. THAT GUY told me that he often felt like a dog who was chasing a car and once he caught it, he didn’t know what to do with it (metaphorically, anyway). Let’s run with that analogy, shall we?

This will make no sense to anyone, but I feel like saying it anyway:

I am a Cheating Man’s Dream Girl.

Yes, I admit it. I’m oddly proud of it, in fact. Don’t know why, since I don’t play with married men (including my husband), lol. It’s like when Michael Jordan starting playing baseball and he stunk at it. “But I’m good at basketball!”, he cried. Yeah- no one cares when it’s two outs at the bottom of the ninth. But the point is that I would be the perfect mistress for any married man looking to dunk his dick in a pool of prurient pleasure. And why?

Because I know what you need. You’re a man. You need what every man needs. And I can give it to you.

Allow me to explain myself in the form of Anita Helmet’s Guide to Being a Good GirlfriendTM.

When it came to THAT GUY, my ‘job’ was to make him feel like he was the sexiest, most intelligent, funniest, most delectable and delicious man to ever ring my bell. Why? Because it’s what I sensed that he needed. Not because he’s some mewling, insecure puppy- I don’t have time for that kind of shit. He’s a secure enough dude on his own. But I reinforced what he already knew, augmented what he was unsure of and reminded him of what he might have forgotten. And it was neither a chore nor a farce- he gave me plenty of good stuff to work with. And if I did my ‘job’ correctly, he would associate being with me as something that made him feel 35 again. An experience that made him feel like a MAN. And there is nothing sexier than a man who feels like a MAN. Am I right?

Anyway…HIS ‘job’ was to make me feel like a WOMAN. Like the sexiest fucking thing to ever slip on a pair of crotchless panties. In fact, lingerie would be superfluous because I would be sexy enough without it. In a nutshell, he was going to give me what I needed and lacked at home. And he did give me that…in his own way. He looked at me like I was and ice cream cone that he couldn’t wait to taste, lol. 

What’s my point in all of this? Thanks for asking! I’m not really sure anymore.

While I try to figure out where I was going with all this, allow me a bit of a rant, would you?

And before all the men in the room start bitching about cockteases and empty promises, let me suggest that you tuck your indignation where it will do you the most good: right between your asshole and your nutsack because it TAINT that far off base. You know as well as I do that MEN LOVE THE CHASE. I’m not saying ‘He can’t have me’. I AM saying that he will work to KEEP ME and I will work to be the woman who is WORTH KEEPING.

Listen up! In MY world (otherwise known as Gourmet Chocolate Dildo Town), I’m the g-damn Mayor, Michael Jordan still plays basketball and that’s NOT a pencil in your pocket. It’s a fucking penis and YES YOU ARE HAPPY TO SEE ME. If I can’t make you hard, and you can’t make me blush, it’s time to call it a day.

So having said that, will everyone please unclench their sphincters and tell me something…

If men like the chase so much, why do they complain when we run?

If they don’t like the chase, why do they stop being who we need them to be once they’ve caught us?

Sigh.