I’ll Have What He’s Having

Forgive me for asking a stupid question, but it’s been a while since I’ve had sex (with someone other than THAT GUY). Fact is, it’s been a while since I ‘played the field’, so I’m a bit out of practice…bear with me (and stop laughing at me).

Where does ‘vanilla’ end and ‘kinky’ begin? I know it’s somewhat relative, but y’all are pretty normal (which is akin to saying someone is ‘sort of a murderer’ ), so naturally I came to you for answers. Times have changed since I sowed my oats.. it seems like everyone has a bullwhip and a set of anal beads these days. I’m a bit out of date when it comes to the latest in sexual etiquette, though I know it’s always good manners to thank someone for a rim job.

So where did this arbitrary train of thought come from? Thanks for asking!

I think I’m a Vanilla Domme. Is there such a thing? I mean, I don’t really like bondage and I’d prefer not to be told what to do by anyone I’m not really invested in (gentle suggestions notwithstanding). I DARE some dude to try slapping anything but my ass- he’ll find himself on the wrong end of my left hook. Calling me your “bitch”, “slut”, or “whore” will get you an invitation to view the bottom of my shoe UP CLOSE.

Um. Maybe I’m a bit of a control freak…

Now, you may ask WHOM exactly I am trying to control since Hubby and I aren’t rocking the Casbah and I am currently between boy toys, and that would be a fair question. After all, it would be awfully redundant to whisper directions to myself during the throes of masturbatory bliss, right? Yup. That would be silly. But to answer your question, “No one…YET”.

We are all products of our collective experiences and my most recent relationship was with You-Know-Who, so I find myself going back to the good old days for reference… 

At various times throughout the day, I used to find myself wanting to make THAT GUY hard. No particular reason why, other than it turned me on like crazy. These urges were inexplicably stronger when I’m in a bad mood (how weird is that?). So I might send him a suggestive text or a naughty photo and wait for the result- sometimes it worked sometimes it didn’t (or it might  have worked and he just didn’t want to tell me, cheeky little fucker that he is). If I knew he had a meeting or a conference call, I’d send something particularly raunchy- I liked the idea of having him do business at half-mast, lol. I was also enamored with the knowledge that I could make him cum almost on command over the phone (assuming he’s not faking it just to humor me. That would really suck for a lot of reasons and sometimes I’m just not sure…). The bottom line is that I just LOVED doing it, almost to the point of obsession, lol. Not that it’s a game, but it’s just so much fun! Am I weird? Do any of you have these same urges? I mean, not with THAT GUY- he may not be mine anymore, but you can’t have him. But what about with your own THAT GUY or THAT GAL?

I also wonder, as mentioned above, exactly where the line is drawn between ‘vanilla’ and ‘kinky’. Assuming I meet someone for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres and it progresses into something physical: Do men still think it’s hot for a woman to show up wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile? What about telling a man to ‘Sit down, shut up and let me do my thing’? Too bossy? Prostate massage- ‘Yay!’, or ‘Nay!’? Can I bring my own vibe, or is that presumptuous? What if the size of my vibe might be…intimidating? Shall I buy a smaller one so as not to appear overzealous? Are nipple clamps only for women, or do they come in masculine colors too? Is it rude to glue a trail of Skittles leading down to my Fun Zone, or should I just shove his head down there sans candy?

I know I haven’t mentioned anything too odd, especially considering the company I keep. Some guys are scared of double-penetration, while others call that the ‘Tuesday Night Special’. Some of you are terrified of anal, while a few others could write an instruction manual on it.

I just want to know if things have changed while I was off the market. You know…now that I’m shopping around.