Shiver Me Tinders

That’s a crappy title, but I couldn’t think of anything else, lol.

So, Wise Readers…you may have deduced from said title that I have embarked on a trip to Tinder town.

I signed up today and let’s just say that it’s “interesting”. Most of you headed here from the OTHER site where I used to blog, so you’re familiar with the whole “internet dating/hookup” process. Im not sure how much you know about Tinder, but suffice it to say that the differences between the two are somewhat startling, and the similarities are totally predictable.

Lets start with the premise: Many people believe that Tinder is exclusively a hook-up site— this is emphatically NOT true. Many men are seeking LTR and FWB, some are looking for love, some want to make a skin suit out of some unsuspecting female. In this sense, the two sites are very similar. The actual road to meeting people is where things get interesting…

The first step is to write a profile (you’re limited to a certain number of characters, so you have to be concise). There are no fill-in-the-blank statistics (i.e., hair color, height, body type, etc.). You can only specify your preferred age range, and a radius in which you hope to find your mate. For me, this is awkward because the system defaults to your location as determined by your phone. The only way to change your location is to pay a fee 🙄.  I HAVE to change my search parameters because, as you know, I can’t play on home turf.

So I wrote a short blurb about myself, starting with the fact that I am married. I posted a pic (the same one I use here as my avatar, with the navy blue baseball hat and VERY OBVIOUS wedding ring). I added two other casual face pics and one photo of my sweet pooch. And yes I’m referring to my dog, you pervert.

And then the fun began…

As you’ve probably heard, the process is to start swiping. Swipe left = rejection, swipe right = truss me like a turkey and baste me from behind.

(Just kidding. A lot of these dudes are vegan and wouldn’t know how to truss a turkey).

But to continue, swiping right means that I’m interested in getting to know you. The great part about Tinder is that dudes can’t contact me unless we BOTH swiped right on one another. This means no unsolicited pervy messages from thirsty randos who are typing with one hand while they jerk off with the other.

Assuming a gent and I both happen to swipe right, I then have the choice to make the first move, or wait for him to. I usually initiate contact with a quick,”Hello” and hope he responds. If he does, we’re off and running.

It’s important to note a few additional things about Tinder:  1. There are FAR more face photos than you’d ever see on the other site. Additionally, Tinder does not allow naked photos.  2. There is far LESS information available to someone viewing a profile and some men offer no information at all. 3. Every man in Illinois attended one of two colleges: Harvard or the School of Hard Knocks (maybe there’s a local campus, lol).  4. You cannot exchange photos through Tinder. You have to choose another app to communicate with (Kik, Snapchat, etc.) in order to send anyone pics.

And now this is where the similarities boomerang back around.

Let the games begin!

Initially, it took me about 20 swipes to find someone I thought might be a good match. Subsequently, each time I swiped right, a message popped up notifying me that my target had chosen me as well. I was batting almost 100%! My ego is totally blowing up at this point.

So I begin to send my “hellos” and responses were coming in fairly quickly. Some dudes were immediately (but politely) discarded for various reasons: They have a girlfriend/wife, they can’t spell, they began a sentence with “anyhoo”…

So anyhoo, within an average of three exchanges, I’m asked for naked photos, what my sexual proclivities are and whether I’m free to fuck this weekend. One man insisted that when we meet for the first time, he’s going to kiss me.

Um. No, you’re not.

These men are just idiots. Who fucks someone they don’t know? Who decides that someone is a viable sexual partner based solely on a photo or two, without ANY conversation or exchange of information? Who proclaims his intent to kiss a person THEY HAVE NEVER MET? To me, kissing is INCREDIBLY intimate and there is no way I’m smooching some guy within 5 minutes of meeting him. Besides, we’ll probably meet for lunch the first time and I like garlic.

I mean, I REALLY like garlic.

So I go back to the drawing board and change my profile a bit. I used a text app to create a “photo” clarifying my position and posted it as one of my photos. This is the ONLY way to add info to your profile.

From that point forward, radio silence.

No one I chose matched with me.

My ego is now deflated.

So that’s where I am at the moment. I’m not sure what to change within my profile (if anything), so I figured I’d ask my Wise Readers :). Any thoughts?? Improvements? Criticisms?

I have about six guys that I’m chatting with- we’ll see where it goes. One of them has the interpersonal skills of a rabid lemur- he will NOT shut up. Another one has no conversational skills at all. Single-word responses and no expanding on his profile. The remaining dudes seem ok SO FAR.

Only time will tell.  Meanwhile, I’ll keep swiping in the hopes that I haven’t alienated all my possibilities, lol. If I HAVE? There’s always Christian Mingle 😂.