A Conflict of My Interest, Part One

Let’s just jump right into things, shall we?

Tomorrow I meet Contestant #1 (formally known as Kurt). Kurt is a recently divorced real estate developer who has two kids in college. He’s 52 years young, 6’3, and enjoys working out, going to concerts and trolling for married ass on the interwebs.

He’s extremely intelligent and well-spoken, has a great sense of humor with just the right amount of sass, but is also a consummate gentleman.

He’s also in danger of being perceived as “too nice”. And yes- that’s a thing. They’re the ones who finish last, remember?

I prefer my to lovers to be assertive. Courteous, but assertive. ”Courssertive”, if you will. Wishy-washy doesn’t do it for me. But all the other pieces seem to fit into place, so I’ll give him a chance. After all, what’s the harm in having one drink with the guy, right?

THAT GUY and I discussed the issue this evening. I mentioned the impending meet and he asked the requisite questions about Kurt…what’s he do, where does he live, etc. Then things took a bad turn…

I know THAT GUY had no interest in hearing about the sexual side of things- he made that clear and quite frankly, I think it would be tacky as fuck to tell him. But as we are good friends, it’s natural for him to be curious and concerned about with whom I might be canoodling. And I really liked the idea of being able to discuss it with him since he’s one of very few people who are privy to my situation.

But in the end, he decided he didn’t want to hear any of it. I’m not sure why, to be honest. A while back, he expressed some jealousy about knowing that I was physically intimate with another man. I guess I should feel flattered that he would be jealous or envious because by extension, it would imply that I had an impact on his life.

But did I really?

See, I spent a LOT of time wondering if he really cared about me. In the beginning of our relationship, he told me everything I wanted to hear but that was BEFORE we met in person. After we met, it kind of petered out.  I know he never understood why I would question his feelings, especially given the lengths to which he went to spend time with me. But when a woman like me utters phrases like

I love you

I miss you

I need you

I want you

I care for you

I’m crazy about you

and receives silence (or worse, a lukewarm rote response), it’s natural that I’d feel…shitty. He would insist that he’s just not the type of man to express himself and I bought into it, contrary to his earlier behavior. It was easier than believing that he didn’t reciprocate because he didn’t feel the same way. And as time went on, every rejected sentiment meant another little bit of me dying and calcifying. Dramatic I know, but fuck off and let me have this, willya?

So one day, I found myself resigned and hardened to the notion of not receiving that reciprocation. I stopped my effusive endearments and bought into the reasoning that either THAT GUY just wasn’t that guy, or I just wasn’t important enough for him to TRY to be that guy. I simply ceased to mind anymore. One might say that it was a GOOD thing that I progressed to a stage where it no longer bothered me, but I believe otherwise.

The bottom line is that I lost a part of me that I actually LIKED. I was proud of the fact that I could express myself and tell others how I felt about them. And once I realized that this part of me had slowly disappeared over the course of seven years, I mourned the loss. And then I backtracked and tried to figure out WHY it happened and whose fault it was.

It was my fault. It happened because I allowed it to.

I loved him enough to overlook something that was so very vital to me.

And that was the beginning of the end.

But we’ve recovered from that and I believe that we can continue to be good friends. I do wish that I could confide in him this next stage of my life, but I need to respect his feelings. I know that he wants me to be safe and he’ll assume I am unless I tell him otherwise. And yes, I would tell him.

As for Kurt, we’ll have to see where it goes. He’s one of two men left standing after all this time. I’ll meet the other man (Rick) next week. By the time I’m back in Chicago for class, I’ll have made my choice (or one of them will have made it for me). Between us, Rick is the front runner. I can’t really explain why, but it’s just a gut feeling.

Oddly enough, both men constantly tell me that I’m beautiful and that he can’t wait to meet me…words I wished THAT GUY would have said. But coming from THESE GUYS, they almost seem empty and superfluous, lol. Probably because they haven’t met me in person.

Once they see me in the light of day, who knows what will happen? I should probably start plucking my chin hairs right now, huh?

Wish me luck, Wise Readers. If this fails, it’s back to the Drawing Board. Assuming, that is, that there is a vibrator called the Drawing Board.

Cuz I ain’t doing this shit again.