Bitchin’ Kitchen and Cream of Crow

So here I sit…in my latest culinary class. This one is taught by Chef Amaury Guichon- he’s 27 years old and already world-renowned.

Meanwhile at age 45 (45!!!), my only accomplishments are that I can apply liquid eyeliner and do a decent job deep-throating a sizeable penis. I have wine in my cellar that’s older than he is. 🙄

I’m quite lucky to be able to attend these classes, especially considering that when I started, I really had no practical use for the skills I learned.

I began taking courses at Callebaut Academy three years ago. I work extensively with cakes and basic pastries, but I’ve always been fascinated with the fancy-schmancy stuff, more specifically, working with chocolate. Given that I don’t live anywhere near Le Cordon Bleu or Culinary Institute, this place would just have to do. Or so I thought.

This is NOT amateur night.

This is where Executive Pastry Chefs from the finest restaurants and hotels around the world come to train, while I’m just a chick messing about in her kitchen at home, hoping to create something nice for Easter Brunch that doesn’t involve whipped cream out of a spray can. Needless to say, I’m a bit out of my league here.

But I make it work. I sit back and watch. I keep my mouth shut (yes, it’s been known to happen once in a while), and I absorb everything I see. I don’t know that I’ll ever execute these recipes at home, mainly because no one I cook for is worthy of this stuff 😂. These are desserts made for royalty, not my sister-in-law (though I sometimes call her Queen Bitch).

Another reason I consider myself lucky is that these classes are a welcome break from the tedium of my “real life”. I book a hotel room, drive to Chicago, order take out and I GET TO CONTROL THE GOTDAMN THERMOSTAT ALL BY MYSELF. It’s four days and three nights of pure bliss.

I usually book a room beginning Monday, even though classes don’t begin until Tuesday morning. You can guess why. In the past, Mondays were reserved for THAT GUY.

This time around, I still hoped to see THAT GUY on Monday, but I knew things would be different. We were “broken up”, after all. And didn’t I meet with Rick just last week in the hopes of finding someone new? Indeed, I did.

So let’s talk about that for a minute…

As y’all know, my meeting with Rick didn’t go well, my scheduled meeting with Kurt was non-existent, and my conversation with THAT GUY regarding both of them didn’t go very well either. He couldn’t handle listening to me talk about my search for his replacement. He wanted out.

We emailed back and forth for the next few days, trying to understand and trying to salvage our friendship. With no prompting from me, he expressed his Love for me and the sadness he felt when he realized that I might find someone new. He was jealous. And angry. And hurt. And sad. And probably a dozen other emotions that I don’t think even HE could identify.  He admitted that he didn’t see this coming- that these emotions hit him like a ton of bricks.

In the end, we decided to meet on Monday to talk about all of this in person. And My Guy, the man I have loved for seven years, told me in no uncertain terms that he loves me too. And he didn’t say it as a rote response- he said FIRST and he said it OFTEN.

Well how the fuck am I supposed to resist that??

The answer is simple: I can’t.

And what’s more, I don’t want to.

Now you may say, “Goddamnit! Are you fucking serious with this shit?? Are you some sort of sucker for punishment? How many chances does this Jabroni get?”

To which I respond, “Yeah. I know. But the heart wants what the vagina tells it to want”. Or is it the other way around?

Besides, we discussed at length the fear that things are going to go right back to the way they were, and we’ll end up right back at a restaurant bar while I tell him that I can’t do this anymore. But I don’t see that happening. Why? Because now that I’ve heard it, I feel whole.

Your next question would be, “Whatever. You’re an idiot. He said that lovey-dovey shit because he just doesn’t want you to fuck someone else. After all, you’re the Greatest Lover in the World and why the hell would he want to give that up?”

Okay. You’re right. I AM the Greatest Lover in the World. And yes, it may seem as though he’s just being territorial, as in “If I can’t have you, neither can anyone else”, but my gut tells me that you’re wrong. My gut tells me that this whole experience scared the ever-loving shit out of him and he realized how important I am to him. He NEEDED this little push to get him where he knew he needed to be  after all, I guess he’s had these feelings all along, but just didn’t know how to express them.

He doesn’t want to lose me.

Let me say that again: HE DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE ME.

Man, I love how that sounds.

Inherent in those words are “I love you”, “I need you”, “You’re important to me”, “I want you in my life because my life wouldn’t be the same without you”.

And that’s exactly how I feel about him.

So after all this yapping, the bottom line is that we are where we belong: which is Together.

Mondays will continue to be reserved for HIM. As for the rest of the week?

I’ll learn how to make a little something sweet to tide me over until next time.