Help. Less.

Yeah. That’s where I’m at right now.

THAT GUY is still having a hard time and there’s nothing I can do about it. My mom had a knee replaced last Wednesday and she’s recovering slowly and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have a degenerative disc in my back and (say it with me) THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

I’m a woman of action (kinda). I don’t really jump to act when it comes to MY crap, but show me someone in need and I’m there like a rocket. I don’t mean to make myself sound like Mother Theresa, after all, she didn’t wait for shit to hit the fan- she went ahead and took the ‘preemptive strike’ route. But yeah- I like to help people. So when someone I love is hurting, I switch to ‘Nurturing’ mode.

But I kinda can’t this time.

See, THAT GUY claims he doesn’t want me to see him this way. And I respect that. But at some point you need to realize that YOU NEED PEOPLE. You can’t stay holed up alone- you need a woman to come and jerk you off once in a while. You need hugs and reassurance and a hand to hold.

I mean, that’s what *I* would need.

But it’s not what HE needs.

But I know what he needs better than he does. Because I love him.

Who am I kidding? I don’t know for shit.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help. And I can’t save someone else when I myself am drowning- It’s simple physics. He doesn’t want my help and I need to just take a step back and leave him be.

But here’s the rub: I need HIM. Even though he’s drowning too. So where does that leave us? Where are the life jackets?

I might be a bit loopy right now. Because yeah- against my doctors advice, I’ve been enjoying the odd cocktail here and there. Nothing has happened with reference to my pancreas (yet), but I’m sure it’s a matter of time. And I’ve been gobbling opioids for my back as though there’s no tomorrow.

Self-destructive much?

I can’t explain it. It’s not like I’m suicidal- I’m just…ambivalent. Apathetic. Blah.

And here I am trying to fix THAT GUY. Who am I kidding? I can barely fix toast.

Whatever. This is one of those sappy, self-deprecating, pathetic posts that I need to do every now and again, just to remind myself that I’m not perfect.

Hahahahahahaha! I can’t even say that with a straight face. Of course I’m PERFECT.

I’m perfectly helpless.