Hide and Seek

Yup. That’s me.

Stop laughing.

Let’s get right to it: I don’t like talking to people, but I’d really like to teach cooking. I want to be noticed, but not actually spoken to. I need to be acknowledged, but don’t care if I’m appreciated.

I’m a dichotomy.

I think we all are, to an extent.

No one can be ‘on’ all the time, and those who try end up like Robin Williams or Chris Farley.

I used to believe that I had to be a certain person all the time- happy, funny, ‘put-together’, etc. Now that I’m older, I realize that it’s ok for me to cycle through whatever emotional state I happen to be in, whether it’s happy, sad, greedy or guilty. In fact, I’ve gone so far as to explain it without remorse: “I’m not feeling like myself these days. I just want to be left alone”.

Some people get it, others don’t.

Melancholy times are a perfect way to find out who really has your back. See, I know that Renee gets it. And my friend Maria. I can go weeks without talking to Maria because we see each other on social media and drop one another a line here and there as proof of life. My family is learning how to deal with it. It’s probably hardest on my kids, but I want them to understand that it’s okay to need time to yourself. My parents aren’t as open to the idea- they get concerned (which I understand), but I think that when I say ‘I’m ok. I just need some time to myself’, it should be enough to placate them.

THAT GUY…well, idk where he’s at with it, and that’s mainly my fault. I’ve only recently expressed my blahness to him because I truly believe that our relationship is about ‘I get the best of you and everyone else can have the rest of you’. We’re supposed to be about the GOOD stuff.

Obviously he’s going through a rough patch right now, and he’s keeping it to himself for the same reason as I would- he doesn’t want me to see him with his cape off. Earlier this year, I bought him an upgraded blog site on WordPress because he had expressed an interest in writing again. Since that time, he’s published one poem. Am I disappointed? Yep. I guess I figured that he’d take the extra time he had during his job search and perhaps delve into his own psyche. But that’s neither here nor there.

In any case, my bulletproof corset is off. My copper cuffs have been left on the shelf and my invisible jet is in for repairs. I’ve decided that ‘what you see is what you get’, and that includes THAT GUY.

Now don’t get me wrong- when it came to him, I never presented myself as anything but, well, MYSELF. I may have tucked my melancholy away temporarily out of deference to our relationship, but I don’t pretend that I’m always happy. He knows I’m moody as all git out. He once referred to me as the ‘Queen of mad’ and likened me to one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Wait- remind me again why I love this dude?

Just kidding. It’s because he has a large penis.

Point is, I never pretended to be perfect. I just assumed that everyone thought I was 😂. I don’t know if my emoticons show up on WP, so if not, there should be a laughing face next to that last comment.

How can I expect everyone to think I’m perfect when I barely think I’m presentable, lol?

Anyhoo- this post had a point, but I’ve long forgotten what it was. I think it had something to do with being an introvert.

Yeah. That’s it.

This is a new phase of my life- the IDGAF Phase. Maybe it happens to everyone when they hit middle-age, or maybe it’s just MY TIME. Regardless, it’s here and much like chin hair and menopause, I’ll learn to live with it.

Unfortunately, you my Wise Readers will be the target of any episodes of verbal diarrhea that may come over me. I may be introverted, but I’m not stupid. I know that everyone needs some sort of release valve.

So I’ll thank you in advance and hope that you can handle any poop I fling your way. If not, IDGAF.

See how I brought that back around? 😉