I Spin Me Right ‘Round

That’s me. Going in circles and ending up in the same place I started.

And you know that the reason I moved from my initial spot is because I wasn’t happy there. So going back? Yeah. It sucks ass.

I have been going in circles with every facet of my life. My relationship with my husband isn’t going anywhere, except where it’s always been. My relationship with THAT GUY is stagnant, except that we regressed back to Square One- that spot where I feel taken for granted. My aspirations to open a business have circled back to “I’m too scared”.

It’s like I’m some sort of discombobulated ballerina, spinning around like a whirling dervish.

(WTF is a dervish, anyway)?

I can’t fault Hubby- he’s the same man he’s always been, albeit 30lbs heavier (making it close to 75lbs from the day we got married). I can’t fault THAT GUY- he’s going through a really rough patch and doesn’t have time to think about me and my needs.

Bottom line?

I have to blame myself.

I’m back to expecting more than is realistic. I’ve regressed to a time when I felt I deserved to be treated a certain way, and I stamped my feet and pouted when I didn’t get what I wanted.

But here’s the thing: WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO BEHAVE LIKE A PSYCHO NUTBAG TO GET WHAT I DESERVE?

It should just…happen, right? I mean, I put love and consideration and caring and attention OUT THERE, why am I not receiving it in return?

I’ll tell you why. It’s because in my heart, I don’t feel that I’m worthy of it.

I think it was Churchill who said that he’d never want to join a club that would have him as a member. And maybe that’s analogous to my point: If I got what I wanted all the time, I wouldn’t want it anymore.

But what about part of the time. Once in a while? Between 3:00 and 4:00 in months that start with the letter ‘R’?

WHEN DOES IT GET TO BE MY TURN?

According to my therapist, I teach people how to treat me. So apparently I’ve taught the men in my life to treat me like a doormat. Interesting, since I never took acting lessons and have no clue how a doormat behaves. Apparently, it behaves like a woman who doesn’t bring up issues with her husband because “he’s tired and frustrated with work and I don’t want to bother him”. And a woman who doesn’t bring up issues with her lover because “he pretty much wouldn’t care and she doesn’t want to admit to herself that she found herself a man who is exactly like her husband”.

See, when THAT GUY and I had our reconciliation earlier this year, he stressed that he didn’t want us to end up in the same place again, where I feel neglected and unappreciated, and we find ourselves in a restaurant having a conversation that ends with me trying to find another fuck toy because I’m emotionally unfulfilled.

And I assured him that the fact that he told me in person that he loves me, the notion that he hurt when he knew I was searching for a new dude, and the knowledge that he needed me, would be enough to tide me over for a good long time.

Which apparently is about 6 months.

Because (say it with me), “I’m back to where I started”.

I can cut him some slack because, as you may recall, he’s dealing with MAJOR health issues. He recognizes that he’s putting distance between us, and that it’s probably because he doesn’t want me to pity him. I get that. Totally makes sense to me.

BUT I WANT WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.

And truth be told, if I told him that I felt neglected and unsure of our relationship, I’m kind of afraid that he’d say, “fuck it. I’m done”.

In which case, guess what?

I’d be right back where I started.