The Nerve to Deserve

A wise person once said “No one should have to beg for what they deserve”.

Do I believe that to be true?

Um…trick question.

What if what I feel I deserve is WAAAAY out of whack and unrealistic? Like, I shouldn’t have to beg for thinner thighs, but I deserve them.

Bullshit.

So why bring this up? Because my sense of entitlement is telling me that I deserve much more than what I’m getting. And not just from Hubby and THAT GUY, but I deserve more than what I’m giving MYSELF.

“But,” you’ll say, “What in the ever-loving fuck are you talking about???”

Allow me to tell you.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be cherished and loved and made to feel special. Anyone disagree? No? Good.

But guess what? EVERYONE deserves these things. And I have a responsibility to treat certain people with that deference, just as I expect them to treat me the same way. In other words, I cannot demand that which I am unwilling or unable to give.

Let’s examine that a bit further…

I’m not a psychopath, I don’t kick puppies and I don’t have a cache of bodies stored in my garage, so yeah. I deserve to be happy. Plus, I go out of my way to make others feel happy (at least I try to. I may not always succeed, but the effort is there).

I try to make people feel special and wanted and appreciated. I show people that I love them and those whom I love will never question how I feel about them. My kids will NEVER question whether their mother loves them, values them, is proud of them or that I would go to the ends of the earth to protect them.

And as I sit and ponder, there is only one person on this earth who would do the same for me (minor children notwithstanding). That person is my sister.

Oh I’m sure my parents love me and would stand in front of a speeding train if it meant saving my life. But as far as making me feel valued and appreciated? Not so much. And that’s ok- I’m an adult and haven’t needed their reassurances since I was about 30. I gave them their first grandchild- I’m immune to any criticism.

But Hubby? Nope. He’s pretty selfish when it comes to making an effort. Mind you, throwing money at me does not inconvenience him in any way, or require any sacrifice on his part, so that doesn’t count as ‘making an effort’. In the areas that matter, the areas that would truly make me happy, he’s a nonentity. And it sucks.

THAT GUY? Nope. We all know where he lands on that scale.

But…what about MYSELF? Would I go to the ends of the earth to make MYSELF happy? Am I proud of myself? Do I value and appreciate myself?

Ummmm…how can I put this most succinctly?

FUCK NO.

I recognize that I’m inherently a good person, but why is it that I allow myself to settle for less than I deserve? And why do I constantly surround myself with people when I KNOW they can’t give me the things I want/ need/ deserve?

I’m a sucker for punishment. It’s a shitty, stupid cycle and I can’t escape it.

I know where all this came from (my parents), but I’m 46 years old! Isn’t it time that I take the bull by the horns and take responsibility for the size of my thighs?

Indeed. Now I just need to figure out HOW.

I need to stop begging for what I deserve and instead, find people who are eager to give it to me.

Yeah. It’s harder than it sounds, y’all. But if any of you have any suggestions, I’m all ears…