…and then there were none

Well, I did it. I broke things off with THAT GUY (again).

See, it seemed to me that I really wasn’t getting out of the relationship, what I was putting into it. He’s a good guy- no doubt about it. But as my therapist says, “He can be the best damn cat in the world, but it won’t matter because YOU are a dog person”.

By the way, I have yet to find a productive conversation that starts with the phrase ‘My therapist said’.

In any case, we pledged to stay friends. And why shouldn’t we? We’ve been ‘associated’ for the last ten years- you can’t just walk away from that, right? Besides, as I previously mentioned- he’s a great guy. We DID decide that it would be better if I didn’t discuss any new romantic entanglements with him. Makes sense- I wouldn’t want to know if he were fucking someone new.

But here’s the thing: my therapist said that it’s easy to go from friends to lovers, but it never works when you flip the dynamic. And he’s right (damn you, Jay!).

I was so angry with him that I finally just told him that I needed to end this for my own sanity. It’s not healthy for me to hold on, ya know? The person I become isn’t someone I want to be. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I was seething with unfiltered rage.

I mean, I’m a GOOD person. I’m a GREAT friend. I’m a gotdamn EPIC lay. Why is it so hard for him to just throw me a symbolic bone once in a while? I don’t ask for much- I don’t need sonnets and love songs and roses. I’m talking about little things…a sassy conclusion to a conversation. A naughty emoticon here and there. Maybe the occasional ‘Good morning sweet cheeks’ text. I don’t need ‘I love you’. In fact, I’d much rather have ‘I was just thinking about you and had to smile’.

But no. THAT GUY is a wall. He is incapable of making any sort of concession because HE DOESN’T HAVE TO.

He’s gotten away with lax attention for this long- why should he change? What’s the motivation to do better?

Simple: there isn’t one.

And before you tell me that “he can’t fix what he doesn’t know is broken,” I think we all know that I’ve made my desires CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR.

So, I said goodbye.

And I told him why.

And he responded with, “Get some sleep. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

Today is tomorrow and as of 11:21pm, I haven’t heard a peep out of him. I can only assume that he gave it some thought and agrees with my edict and sees that it’s for the best.

I didn’t really expect him to fight me on this. In fact, the response I was expecting was ‘Ok’. I didn’t even think he’d want to discuss it. And apparently he doesn’t, lol.

So why do I feel so shitty?

The bottom line is that I gave all my happy to someone who didn’t know what to do with it.

THAT GUY belongs with THAT GIRL. The one who is his mirror in almost every way. She doesn’t require attention and platitudes. She makes no demands of him. She loves him unconditionally. She doesn’t expect gifts and sweet words and romance. She may not be as good in bed, but how important is that, really?

Tell me.

How important is it to have that animalistic, visceral connection to another person? To know their body and their needs and their desires? It doesn’t get better than what we had physically. It can’t possibly get better.

Which means I’ve set myself up for a future of mediocre sex. Meaningless, boring, pedantic sex. Going through the motions just for the sake of a 2 minute orgasm. Wishing he’d LEAVE so I can binge watch Netflix.

In other words, NO SEX. Because that’s a helluva lot better than lousy sex.

So here I go again on my own…

Stay tuned, Wise Readers.

This is gonna get interesting.