Confessions of a Doormat

Two posts in one week? Unheard of!

But I have shit to say, so here we are.

(Ahem). I’m too nice.

”Well,” you’ll say, “aren’t you being a little arrogant?”

No. This is NOT a good thing. I’m not bragging about this quality. In fact, I’m pissed at myself because I seem to continue being nice to people who simply don’t deserve it.

Example: CHEF is in financial straits. He has some major expenditures coming up (pending divorce, etc.) and he’s really careful with his money. So here we are in Vegas for a class and:

1. He’s staying in my condo FOR FREE.

2. He’s getting rides in my rental car FOR FREE.

3. I have $325 in credit to use at the condo, so he’s been drinking, eating dinner and enjoying breakfast FOR FREE.

4. Tonight, we are all going to a very well-known Thai restaurant and guess what? Yeah. I’m covering his bill.

Why? Because his company is more important to me than the $50 I’ll spend on his behalf. And because I don’t want him to feel bad, I lied and told him that I’m paying for our dinner with a visa gift card.

So why am I so fucking annoyed? Because I feel as though I’ve set a precedent and now I’m stuck.

DO NOT misunderstand: CHEF will be ‘donating’ his time to help me crank out around 1,000 various chocolates this holiday season. He doesn’t ask for anything, he doesn’t take advantage of the situation by eating/drinking to excess. He’s not a MOOCH.

I’m not mad at HIM. I’m mad at MYSELF because once again, I’ve adopted the role of caregiver for someone who cannot or will not reciprocate.

I’m like a broken record with this shit, aren’t I?

I’m just getting a little fed up with always being the one who thinks of others. No one seems to give a shit whether I’m happy or not, so why do I break my back trying to make sure everyone else is happy?

I need a hug. I need to be held and made to feel valued. I swear to everything holy, if I got a massage right now? I’d probably cry because it’s been THAT LONG since anyone has touched me. But does CHEF care? Does Hubby? Does ANYONE? No.

It’s like fucking a Pavlovian response: My daughter is going to homecoming with friends and I’m offering to get her nails done and hair done and buy new clothing and make restaurant reservations and chauffeur them around. Meanwhile, she couldn’t care less and barely deigns to grumble a ‘no thanks’ in my direction.

I find out that one of the ladies in my class needs some specific chocolate molds of which I happen to have extras and I’m offering to ship them to London for her.  At my expense, no less.

I’m learning to make these GORGEOUS chocolates and my first thought is, “THAT GUYS’ grandkids would LOVE these!”

Ugh.

I need to STOP being so generous with everyone. All it seems to do is reinforce the fact that NOTHING IS RECIPROCAL. This knee-jerk reaction to the perceived ‘need’ or ‘weakness’ of others needs to stop.

I am emphatically NOT my brothers’ keeper.

In fact, in this particular instance, my ‘brother’ can fuck off.

 

 

#Life #Anxiety #Epiphany #Confession #My40s #RealityBites #Woman #Mother