Bleak Street

You know how sometimes, things just smack you in the face? Not literal, tangible things, but those pesky emotional things?

I have surrounded myself with TAKERS. And this is a big problem for me since I am a GIVER. And I now find myself in a position of NEED. I’m the one with my hand out and there’s no one there to take it.

See, I became friends with CHEF because I thought he was a kind, funny guy and he just needed someone to give him a break. Someone to remind him that life doesn’t totally suck. He was coming from a dark place, ya know? He confided in me and I confided in him and I thought we had the beginnings of a solid friendship.

Turns out, I was wrong.

It happens all the time- I invest in someone and want to see them happy. I nurture them and support them and cheer them on and then once they are in solid ground, they walk away.  I must be the most forgettable, insignificant person in the world, lol.

I am really easy to leave.

You see, that’s what will happen with CHEF. He hates Chicago. He hates his job. He’ll find a woman, a job, a climate…something that will make him happy and he will leave. This is not the beginning of a true friendship- this is just a stop along the way to where he truly wants to be.

And of course, I want to see him happy. I just wish that it wouldn’t be so easy to just move on.

Everything is so damn transient these days, y’all.

I’m not going to say that I’ve never walked away from a friendship- I have. In one instance it was because she lied to me and I can forgive a lot, but not that. In another case, he needed more than I could give at that particular time. I was running on empty and I had nothing left to offer, so I let our friendship lapse. I’m not perfect (surprise, surprise).

But although I learned to live with not being a priority, I never wanted to settle for being an ‘afterthought’.  And that’s what I’ve become.

To everyone in my life, I am an afterthought.

Especially to myself.

#Life #Anxiety #Epiphany #Confession #My40s #RealityBites #Woman #Mother