Happy New What?

Hey all! (‘All’, lol? There’s like 10 of you 😂).

Anyway…This post comes to you direct from the lobby of the Northwestern Memorial Hospital. I’m hanging out here, eating a sammich while my brother gets a sponge bath.

I’ve been in and out of the hospital since he was admitted on Saturday morning. We’ve been taking shifts, though my sister-in-law pretty much refused to leave until I kicked her out today.

I wanted to spend some alone time with him, even though he’s in a medically-induced coma and doesn’t know I’m there. They think he might be able to hear us, so I’ve been keeping him abreast of things and making fun of him like I always do.

His status has gotten better. He’s still on a ventilator and is still receiving IV nutrition, but his O2 stats are much higher and the swelling in his optic nerves is gone. It’s the swelling in his brain we’re concerned with now. He had a minor stroke this morning, so they keep assessing the damage to see what’s up.

I know you have no interest in the medical mumbo-jumbo, so here’s the meat and potatoes of this post:

1. I really wanna smack my dad.

2. For the first time in their 11 year marriage, I’m not hating my sister-in-law (heretofore referred time as SIL).

3. I’m realizing that the people I counted on most are kinda worthless, while support is pouring in from people I don’t really know.

4. My husband is useless when it comes to this stuff.

5. My kids are both more intelligent and more compassionate than I would expect them to be, given their ages.

“But,” you’ll say, “you need to explain this stuff further. C’mon! You know you want to!”

And yes. Yes, I do.

I have always believed that we are all a product of our upbringing and my dads upbringing pretty much sucked. The men in his family have always proven to be surprisingly ambivalent when faced with things like this. When my aunt was dying of cancer, her two brothers spent a grand total of 7 minutes in her room.

Why? Because they were never taught compassion and empathy- two qualities that they have no problem demanding from others.

I don’t really blame them for their perceived apathy. I understand that they ARE hurting- they just don’t know how to express it like other people do. It hurts them to see loved ones in pain.

When I was in the hospital last January, my dad visited me ONCE. I was kinda ok with that because I would have rather been left alone anyway, but most people would be horrified.

And Hubby is the same way.

He doesn’t understand how to properly comfort me because he doesn’t have any siblings. He doesn’t understand that bond, especially in this case where the person who is struggling is a YOUNGER sibling.

I am ten years older than my twin brothers. When they were born, my sister and I were each put ‘in charge’ of one of the boys…And I was in charge of this one. So yeah, I’m a little more protective. A little more frightened. A little more panicked. A little more everything.

He and I haven’t seen eye to eye on a lot of things, namely the fact that his wife is a Grade A twunt. But over these past few days, I’ve seen a different side of her.

No self-pity. No drama. No apathy. She truly does love my brother, but I’ve never doubted that. What I DIDN’T expect is her compassion toward my parents. They’ve never gotten along, yet she’s been bending over backward to assuage their needs- something my mother took with gratitude and my dad complained about because its wasn’t enough.

I finally told my dad to STFU (though not in so many words). I explained to him that she is his WIFE. The mother of his CHILDREN. She is scared to death, exhausted, confused and frustrated. She needs more deference than anyone right now. And I aim to see that she gets it.

Anyway, I’m not some Florence Nightingale who descended from a fluffy cloud to save the day. I’m just sick of my dads bullshit.

(Took a little hiatus for two days- now I’m back to whine some more).

Dad has actually become MORE annoying, if that’s possible. I mean, I get it: everyone has their own way of handling stress, fear and frustration. But why is it that he expects us to respect HIS method, but he has zero consideration for OURS? Are his feelings any more valid than ours?

I’m angry (can you tell?). I’m angry with my brother for waiting so fucking long to see a doctor when he couldn’t breathe and was coughing non-stop. It wouldn’t have changed the leukemia, but it may have prevented the pneumonia and aspergillosis (did I not mention that his lungs are riddled with fungus?). Now it seems he also has increased cranial and optic pressure caused by an active sinus infection that may result in vision loss. All because he was too stubborn to see a doctor.

And to my sister-in-law, of course Dad says, “So what if he’s blind? We’ll handle it”. She’s worried that he may never see his daughters again (literally), but yeah. Sure she’s overreacting, Dad. 🙄

I’m angry with my husband for being a schmuck. I shouldn’t be surprised- he was barely present both physically and emotionally when his parents were dying. The man simply cannot handle shit like this. He’s just not equipped to be compassionate and empathetic. I’ve learned to adjust and find my solace and support elsewhere, but it still frustrates me that I can’t go to the one person who is supposed to be there for me.

I’m pissed at my ‘friends’. Renee still hasn’t bothered to text me to ask how he is or how I am. She was the same way when I was in the hospital last year.

Only ONE person has texted me every day to check on me. She’s offered to bring food for Hubby and the kids and has been my rock. Kris and I have been friends for over 20 years and I’m so blessed to have her. She lives 90 min from me, so we don’t see one another often, but we have always been there for one another without question or hesitation.

I texted CHEF when all this happened on Saturday because I needed someone who wouldn’t give me placating bullshit. I wanted someone who would let me cry and yell and just BE THERE. He’s in France with his kids, but I was supposed to see him this coming Monday (1/6) and I thought maybe he could be my rock for a bit.

Yeah, right. He’s as selfish and self-involved as my dad, lol. Honestly? I’ve seen more support from strangers on twitter and IG than I have from my ‘friends’.

I don’t expect any support from my immediate family because they’re suffering in their own way. But wow. What an eye opening experience.

Anyhoo…now we’re just waiting for my brother to wake up. His lung function looks way better and he’s breathing almost entirely on his own, so once he wakes up we can remove the tube and cross our fingers. We won’t know anything about his vision loss until he wakes up and tells us. For now, I’m just sitting here, periodically talking to him and playing crappy music in an attempt to agitate him into consciousness. Did you know there’s a remix of Gangham Style and Can’t Touch This?

Yeah. I guess that would make me want to stay comatose too.