Self, Centered

I recently said something to the effect of how, when someone finally gets their shit together, it’s easy to attribute their newfound confidence to arrogance or perhaps consider them to be self-centered when in fact, it may just be that they finally have themself CENTERED.

I think that’s what happened to me.

For the first time in a LONG time, I feel centered. I feel at peace. Don’t misunderstand, I’m still a raging bag of hormonal goo, but in a much calmer way.

Let me explain…

A year ago, I was ready to divorce Hubby. I was looking at apartments and thinking about how we should tell the kids. Now, a year later I am still married but no longer considering divorce. Why? Well, I think it’s because I just don’t feel like I’m gasping for air anymore. The things that used to drive me insane are still there- they haven’t changed or disappeared, but I’VE changed. I’ve mellowed.

THAT GUY used to call me the ‘Queen of Mad’. Can you imagine? Why the hell would he want to be with someone like that, lol? I must have been great in bed, amirite 😂?

These days I don’t really get mad anymore. I mean, I DO get angry and annoyed and frustrated, but when it happens I stew for a minute and then…I walk away and before I know it I’ve forgotten why I was even pissed off to begin with.

It’s really rather liberating, to be honest.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s a function of my MS. Maybe my memory is just getting worse and my brain function is just so fucked up that I don’t have the capacity to stay mad for very long. But even if that’s the case, would it be the worst thing in the world?

There are some things that fundamentally upset me. There are situations when I know I should stand my ground and remember why things are the way they are and not try to rationalize or rewrite history (the situation with THAT GUY being a perfect example). Do I miss him? Sure. Do wish I could speak to him again, yes. Do I wish he would apologize, yes. But should I seek him out to in the hopes of hearing the apology?

No.

It’s as though my brain FINALLY figured out what everyone else has known all along I feel like I finally GET IT.

I know what’s good for me.

I know what I need.

I know what I want.

I know what I deserve.

I used to crave being told that I am beautiful. I got so used to NOT hearing it that I just took for granted that it wasn’t true. Now I don’t really care whether anyone says it or not.

I don’t need people to see me as beautiful. I need them to see me as successful and respected and strong. Self-reliant. Independent.

Centered.

Anything else is just gravy.

And some husbands would feel threatened by that. They would feel insecure and try to squash any newfound self-esteem that might threaten the status quo. But not my Hubby- he’s totally ok with it. Supportive, actually. Or maybe he just figures he has no control over it, so he may as well go with the flow.

Don’t misunderstand me- he still wears the pants in this marriage and I’m totally ok with that.

It’s just that now, I finally have a pair of my own. ❤️