A Funny Thing Happened on the Way…

So I woke up and thought, “I need to blog”. I opened my app and what do I see waiting for me, but the draft of a post about how I keep forgetting things.

…a draft that I had forgotten to publish.

So yeah, you’re getting two posts this morning. Sucks to be you, I guess.

But this is MY diary and I need to purge. The words have been smushed in my head and they need to come out because I’m distracted at work and sullen at home and it’s taking its toll on me.

DOC (my therapist, and the only man in my life these days who offers me whatever paltry level of comfort he is legally able to without me laying my head on his naked chest), maintains that I need to purge or I will implode. Or explode. Either way, there will be -ploding of some type, he is sure of it.

DOC believes that I am experiencing the 5 Stages of Grief with regard to the end of my relationship with THAT GUY. He maintains that I went through,

Denial “Whatever. It was a long time overdue, so I know it was the right thing to do”, and on to,

Anger, “Fuck him! He could have fixed it but he didn’t. He’s a dick. I don’t need this shit”!

Bargaining was a doozy. “Maybe I should call him. I was pretty harsh. I don’t want him back I guess, but I don’t want things to end this way. But he probably doesn’t want to talk to me. But then again, what if he DOES? But if he DID, why isn’t he contacting ME? What if he thinks I hate him? I should tell him I don’t hate him. Maybe I should tell him that he should call me. But what if he doesn’t respond? That’ll hurt. Don’t do it. It’ll hurt”. I think I’m still at the end of this stage, but I’m quickly transitioning into,

Depression. “I can’t believe I’ll never see him again”.

You can’t be with someone, LOVE someone for 13 years and just flip a switch and forget about them. At least I can’t. Maybe HE can, in fact I’m pretty sure he can, he’s always been very pragmatic. But I’m more of an emotional person. It sucks to be me.

I don’t want to be that person. I sometimes wish I could be an automaton like THAT GUY and just walk away from people and situations and be okay.

I thought maybe my brain would protect me from this, but maybe I just need to get through it and make it all the way to,

Acceptance. And maybe the fact that it’s going to take time is what I need to accept right now.