Freeze or Burn

So here I sit…in the breakfast room of a hotel in downtown Chicago, waiting to head over to Northwestern Hospital for an appointment…Nothing serious, mind you- just a check up. But it’s an annoying intrusion into my otherwise busy schedule at this time of year.

As I’m sure you can imagine, November and December are pretty hectic for my industry. I’m not sure what the economy has in store for me, so I have to make the most of every potential sales opportunity I have to maximizing profits while still minimizing costs. That means coming up with unique stuff to sell and having plenty of inventory, but cutting staff hours. Cutting staff hours while still maintaining a rigorous production schedule means I’M burning the midnight oil.

Now, you might suggest that I cut down on offerings or change my suppliers, etc., to which I will respond:

I ain’t asking for your advice.

I have plenty of mentors within the industry (and some outside of this industry who are well-versed and successful in their own right) who are advising me along my merry way. Besides, anyone who tells me to use lower-quality substitutions to save money can fuck right off- I’d rather close my shop.

What’s my point in all this? Thanks for asking.

My point is that I’m stressed. And when I’m stressed, my body responds in not-very-good ways.

Multiple Sclerosis is a fickle bitch. I’m entering my second year after diagnosis and while it hasn’t gotten worse (thank goodness), it hasn’t gotten better, either. Then again, it really wasn’t expected to ‘get better’. The best I could hope for is that I wouldn’t end up with more lesions on my brain and more numbness elsewhere in my body and this is exactly what is happening. But when the weather is especially cold or when I am hormonal or under extreme stress, my body rebels against me and my hands turn into burning lumps of sweet-Mary-fuck-all.

Remember when you were a kid and you used to play in the snow until your hands froze and your mother made you come inside? You’d run your hands under warm water and for a moment they’d feel as thought they were burning until they adjusted to the warmth?

Yeah. That’s how my hands feel all the time, but it’s worse when I’m stressed. When I’m anxious or under pressure, my hands feel like they’re frostbitten. It’s hard to describe, but just know that it hurts like hell and pretty much renders them useless. And for a someone whose livelihood depends on their hands (as most people’s does), I’m sure you can imagine how much that sucks, especially at this time of year.

But we soldier on, don’t we? Because the world doesn’t stop spinning and the bills still need to get paid.

And before you either a) feel sorry for me, or b) roll your eyes and accuse me of being a whiny baby, please keep in mind that the honest truth is that most of the time, I forget that I have MS. For real- I’ve become so accustomed to it that until it impedes my ability to actually DO something, I don’t think about it. When I tell Hubby and the Kiddos that I have to go to Chicago for an MRI or a follow up appointment or an infusion, they give me a blank stare until it registers as to WHY I need to do these things.

Anyhoo…what I need to do is lower my stress level. Easier said than done, amirite?

And maybe that’s what my last post is all about. Maybe my mind is shutting out the bad stuff because it knows that it NEEDS to in order to protect my body. Sort of a ‘fight or flight’ response, except it’s more like ‘forget or freeze’. Or maybe I’m just getting old…it’s hard to tell the difference some times.

I guess it doesn’t really matter though, does it? It all comes down to the same thing: being self-aware and engaging in self-care.

I just wish I could remember how.