The Princess and the POS

This is one of those ‘feel good’ posts that will reinforce your faith in Karma, Wise Reader. Just try not to laugh too hard.

I hate my car.

(I should probably add that I drive a relatively expensive luxury automobile that costs more than some people earn in a year, so feel free to temper your pity).

Having offered that disclaimer, I also need to clarify that the price of my car is part of the reason I’m so fucking annoyed with it.

See, last summer my mother was in a fender bender that resulted in her own car being deemed ‘totaled’ by her insurance company. Since I happen to have a convertible I drive in the summer, I decided to give her my ‘main’ car and take my time finding a new one.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

If you recall, last summer cars were impossible to find and if you COULD find one, you had to jump on it and expect to pay a premium.

Enter, THE DEMON.

I came upon THE DEMON while test driving cars in the hope of finding something that I might like. I figured that since I didn’t have much to choose from, I better get on the good foot because it was already August and I was running out of time. Pickings were slim in every price range and I actually ended up buying THE DEMON sight unseen. I put down a deposit under the agreement that when it arrived if I didn’t like it, I could walk away from the deal. Sure, I test drove it. But the things I hate about it aren’t things you’d know after a mere test drive- you’d have to have kept the car for weeks before these flaws reared their ugly heads.

I had never owned this brand of car before. It has a great reputation as a sturdy bit of German engineering and I figured that my brother and cousin had each owned one- how bad could it be? (Note: They had both ‘owned’ one. Past tense. I should have asked why they no longer owned this brand of car and had both moved on to a different manufacturer. Lesson learned. Also, they are both still laughing at me).

But back to the subject at hand: I fucking HATE this car.

I don’t know who designed it, but they have no idea what in the ever-loving fuck people really want in a car.

Interior ambient lighting? Who gives a flying fuck? An emblem projected onto the ground when I open the door? More like a pretentious bat signal. A mousepad on the center console? Whoopee! It changes the radio station every time I reach over it to grab my drink from the cupholder. Not to mention that even the most basic function takes multiple movements which require you to take your eyes off the road. This thing has more bells and whistles than the Trans-Siberian Express.

And the icing on this $70,000 cake?

There is no remote start on the key fob (which costs $700 to replace if lost or stolen). Why is this a big deal? Because I live in Wisconsin and I have Multiple Sclerosis. My body is very sensitive to extreme temperature fluctuations, and getting into a cold car wreaks havoc on my system. This is also why I needed a car with a heated steering wheel (and what further limited my buying options).

In order to start THE DEMON remotely, I must use the app on my phone. Which assumes that my phone is charged and accessible, that I have WiFi, and that the app is functioning (which it has not been lately). It also assumes that the car is within range of my phone with no interference. This also means that my husband and kids cannot start my car for me unless they have my phone, or they have the app on their phones (which also means that if someone gets a hold of my kids’ phones, they can then unlock my car with it). Additionally, if my car has less than 1/4 tank of gas or if a window is slightly open (which seems to happen randomly), remote start will not work. And it will only keep the car running for 7 minutes. And I can only run the startup cycle two consecutive times.

😐

Also, the key fobs don’t always work. They sometimes ‘go to sleep’, much like a laptop or a phone. You then have to hit a button on it to ‘wake it up’.

Ok. Great. But why does that have to happen when my arms are full of groceries and I’m hoping to just touch the door sensor and have the car automatically unlock when it senses the key in close proximity like it’s supposed to? And the heated steering wheel? Only works when the cabin temperature is below a certain point. And it only stays on a preset amount of time, unlike my old car which turned on when I told it to and stayed on was long as I needed it to.

And will the car stay running if I’m not in it?

Nope. Which means that if I’m delivering chocolates, I can’t leave the car running with the air conditioning on and the doors locked while I make a delivery. Not unless the key is IN THE CAR. So I have to leave one key fob in the car and take the second one with me.

Like I said before: 😐. And may I add 🙄.

Really? Which focus group told them that this was what people wanted in a car?

I’ve become accustomed to this luxury shit. I’m a spoiled brat, I know.

“You’re an entitled little c*nt”.

Yes. Yes, I am. Because I’m entitled to what I have earned.

Moving on…

You might suggest that I sell THE DEMON, and trust me- I tried. In fact, I tried to sell it within two months after buying it. It had less than 5,000 miles on it and the dealer himself said that, given the current state of things, it had only depreciated and unheard of 1.5%. But I had purchased a maintenance plan and they weren’t going to reimburse me for it, nor was it transferable and there was no way I was willing to eat that considerable chunk of change.

Here I am over a year later and I’m willing to PAY THEM to take this piece of shit off my hands.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, Wise Readers. I fell in love that one time in high school, I tried gas station sushi…I even cut my own bangs once.

But this? This one tops them all. I’d rather take my good old 2014 back from my Mom but there’s no way I’d foist this dung heap on her. Truth be told, she’s terrified to drive it anyway- too many bells and whistles.

Fucking ambient lighting.

Really. Who gives a shit.