New Year, Now Me

So I did it.

Remember how I said that it was hurting me to think that I’d never see THAT GUY again? Well, I took the plunge and emailed him (at great risk to my ego), and asked him to meet because I wanted to see him one more time and catch up.

As I put it, ‘It’s hard to love someone for 13 years and not miss them in some capacity’. 

He replied that he would be fine with meeting, that he had thought of mentioning it before but figured ‘that ship had sailed’. And indeed it had, but I guess it came back to port. 

But this time, I was Captain.

Anyhoo, we met yesterday and it was nice. We caught up on things- the holidays, our respective families, etc.  I hadn’t planned on bringing up the elephant in the room, but of course the topic came around to WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU DESERTED ME FOR TEN DAYS?!

“I’m an asshole”, was his response. “I don’t know what I was doing at that point in my life or where my head was, but it wasn’t intentional. I know that much”. 

Well, ok. But that’s much worse, now isn’t it?

To be intentionally ignored is one thing, but to not even cross someone’s mind? That’s some hard cheese to swallow. It didn’t even occur to him to contact me for ten days. 

[Insert sad face here]. 

Bottom line, if he wasn’t aware of how much that hurt me, he’s well aware of it now.

Well. Aware. Of. It. 

It didn’t require screaming, no slapping, no blah, blah, blah. Just the facts, man. I didn’t even have to call him names, he did it himself. And I’m pretty sure he truly felt remorse- it wasn’t just lip service. Whether he learned a lesson isn’t my concern: there’s no way to make it up to me and I will never allow him the opportunity to make me feel that way again, though as I look back on it…

He never actually said, “I’m sorry”. 

I actually prompted him to, to which he replied, “I said I’m an asshole- that’s the same thing,” and in his mind, it is. But he never said the words, “I’M SORRY”. 

Wow. Ok. 

[Insert WTF moment here].

I’m not ‘WTF-ing’  because of HIM, I’m ‘WTF-ing’ in response to my reaction. 

I just realized that he’s probably not capable of saying he’s sorry and there could be thousand reasons why (none of them good ones), and a year ago it would have bugged the shit out of me, but now I don’t really care to delve into it. 

I’ve evolved! Yay me!

[Insert self-satisfied conga line here 💃🏻].

DOC will be so proud!

And speaking of DOC…

When I told him about THIS MEETING, his obvious question was “Where does it go from here?” To which my answer was, “Wherever it goes”.

See, I don’t really have a direction. I’m not planning, projecting or predicting. Truth be told, I’m glad we aren’t adversaries and it’s nice to know that I can call him on my way home from work, but I’m not going to be hurt if he doesn’t text me today/ tomorrow/ next week. 

My feelings, my self-esteem, my ‘élan vital’, if you will, are no longer impacted, dictated or attributed to THAT GUY.

And THAT Wise Readers, is a sign that I’ve grown as a person.

…Sort of.

[Insert caveat here].