Disposable

Have you ever wondered whether someone considers you ‘disposable’?

It’s an interesting concept, isn’t it?

I had dinner with an old friend last night and we got to discussing expectations. The example began with THAT GUY. “I have no expectations of him anymore,” I said, “and he’s never really had any expectations of me, so we’re finally on the same page”.

“Be careful. When people have no expectations of you, you become disposable”.

Now, I know that what he was REALLY trying to do was to make me ask myself whether I considered THAT GUY ‘disposable’, in other words, ‘Could I do without him in my life’?

This friend of mine (henceforth know as FRIENDO) has been privy to the saga of THAT GUY from the very beginning, so it was legitimate question. When I told him that THAT GUY and I were talking once again, he rolled his eyes as if to say, “I saw that coming”. But he admitted that things seemed different this time, and they ARE different because I am different. I am not one to suffer fools anymore. I have a few ‘non-negotiable’ boundaries that simply cannot be crossed more than once- a lesson that only few, including CHEF, have had to learn the hard way.

1. Do not ever betray my trust. If I confide in you, I expect you to maintain my confidence. If I ever find out that you betrayed me, I will never trust you again and if I can’t trust you, I have no place for you in my life- even as a casual acquaintance.
2. Do not ever disrespect my family, ESPECIALLY my parents and husband. Not by word, or deed.
3. Don’t fucking touch me unless I give you permission.
4. Don’t take me for granted. I will give you the shirt from my back, my friendship, love and attention, and my last cent, but if I sense that you are taking advantage me, I will cut you off immediately, walk away, and forget you ever existed.

Now when it came to THAT GUY, he didn’t violate the first three at all- not even close. The fourth…that’s another story. But the truth is a bit more convoluted.

If you ask FRIENDO, he’d say that THAT GUY totally took me for granted because he was perfectly capable of reciprocating my affections in small ways that would have appeased me-he simply chose not to because he knew I would let it go. In other words, he didn’t have to, so he didn’t. If you asked THAT GUY, he’d say that it’s just not his nature to do the ‘little things’. That’s just not who he is. If you ask ME, the truth is somewhere in between.

It’s also moot.

The bottom line is that he treated me as an afterthought and I decided that I deserved better so I said ‘fuck it’ and walked away. When I calmed down, I came back on my own terms which included keeping him at arms length and deciding exactly how much influence I would allow him to exert on my life (very little). I speak to him often enough, mainly because I actually enjoy our conversations, but if he doesn’t text me for a few days I don’t think twice about it.

I have no expectations of him anymore because I’ve learned (the hard way) what happens when you have expectations of someone who is unwilling or incapable of following through. Whether it’s THAT GUY, HUBBY, CHEF, Renee…you name it, there have been a plethora of people in my life who have fallen short of my expectations over the recent years. Rather than becoming accustomed to the feeling of disappointment, I’ve decided to avoid it altogether and to just not expect anything of anyone. That way, I’m pleasantly surprised when people actually step up and take the initiative. And when they do, I reciprocate in a BIG way to show my gratitude.

Do I ever take the initiative and go the extra mile for people? Exceed their expectations without being asked?

Sure. I try to. But I choose those people much more carefully these days. I’m a lot more cautious with my generosity, both financial and emotional. I don’t like having to temper my emotions, but it’s necessary for my own well-being. When it came to THAT GUY, I liked being a ‘giver’. I loved being able to make him smile and blush and I loved putting in the extra effort to make him feel special, whether he reciprocated or not. It’s unfortunate that I’m not that person anymore- I’m sad that I feel it necessary to hold back that part of me for fear of being hurt again. I don’t want to feel so strongly about a man that I want to do those things for him because that would mean I care about him. And if I care about him, that would mean he can hurt me.

I want him to be disposable.

But I guess that means I have to be disposable too.