Misfire.

It’s been a minute, I know. I never wanted to be the person who found a new hobby/ job/ boyfriend and fell off the face of the earth, but I suppose it must seem that way. But before you panic, no- I am emphatically NOT back with THAT GUY. Yes, we are friends, but there are no “benefits” aside from the absence of crying jags and the renewed ability to sleep through the night. So you might be asking why I’ve been absent.

Well, I’ll tell you.

I’ve been shooting guns.

Yes, Wise Readers, I am a licensed gun owner and member of an organization of girls who shoot guns. “What, pray tell is this nonsense?”, you might ask. Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like: A group of 600+ female firearm aficionados. We educate and inform, and we have fun. Some women like to support legislation and get involved in the political side of things, but I tend to shy away from that, which is not to say that I don’t have an opinion about gun legislation, I simply choose to keep it to myself.

The ‘fun’ part is what I want to discuss.

I spent the last week with 620 ladies, 102 instructors and various other vendors, sponsors and blah, blah, blah, learning how to become a more responsible gun owner, a safer and more accurate pistol shooter and learning how to shoot sporting clays (yay)! It was AMAZING! No mansplaining (even though all of my instructors were men), no overcrowded classes with students who are way more (or less) experienced than everyone else and who end up taking up too much time, leaving the rest of us tapping our toes and feeling left out. No arrogant, self-involved “experts” who want to tell you to do it THEIR way because THEY know best. These guys are at the top of their field, but they understand that we all do things differently and so do THEY.

12 women, usually with 12 different firearms (rarely did any two of us carry the same thing, though often there were variations of the same manufacturer or model), 3.5-4 hours of class time with experts who have resumes that are longer than my arm.

I was in heaven.

Not only that, but the range we were lucky enough to be training at is seated in a canyon surrounded by mountains that took my breath away. Every morning when I drove from my hotel to the range, I literally found myself brought to tears. It was…breathtaking. And, Wise Reader, I don’t use the word ‘literally’ in a figurative sense. I LITERALLY sobbed. Sometimes I was happy, sometimes I was sad. Sometimes I didn’t know why the hell I was crying- I just…cried. And it felt good. And when I was done, I felt empowered. Strong.

But now I’m coming home and I’m not sure what’s in store for me, other than (probably) a messy house and a shop that might need a bit of TLC. Sales have been in the shitter, but I guess that’s to be expected this time of year. To be honest, the whole thing is losing its shine. I’m frustrated and tired of crappy sales and lackluster effort from my staff. Maybe it’s ‘spring fever’ on both our parts- who knows? I just feel as though maybe this isn’t what I’m meant to be doing, but then…what AM I meant to do?

But I digress.

There really isn’t much more to tell you…As I said- THAT GUY and I are friends. We spoke a few times while I was in CO. We speak often enough, usually on the phone while I’m on my way home from work, which is the way I like it. Sometimes it’s the best part of my day. I don’t feel as though he really misses THAT part of our relationship or wants to renew it, and I don’t really know how I feel about it. I can’t really think about it because it’s not really an option- the opportunity really isn’t there.

There was an instructor in CO whom I found… intriguing. I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that he’s a flirty dude, but I think that’s just who he is. I was flattered though I know that instructors are under STRICT rules not to engage with students under any circumstances. He was professional, but it was weird. I can’t explain it. But he occupied my thoughts a bit…at least until I saw a photo of myself. Once that happened, I figured there was NO WAY IN HELL he could have been flirting with ME. He must have just figured I needed extra attention with my shooting and was being nice to me because YUCK. Besides, I have no fucking clue how to flirt anymore.

Here’s the thing, Wise Readers…This guy is ok looking. Not in the best shape- he’s got a tummy. 6ft, maybe 230. Former military, now he runs a training academy for a major firearm manufacturer. No one would confuse him with Dwayne Johnson or John Cena or even Henry Rollins (swoon), and if you saw him walking down the street you might not look twice. But when he’s holding a firearm in a defense stance and he winks at you and gives you big hugs, well…you get it.

Anyhoo…my point is that why is it that HE’S not perfect, but I figure there’s no way he could be interested in ME because I’M not perfect? I felt pretty good about myself until I saw that photo, and then *poof*! 8 months of self-esteem flew out the window.

So where am I going with this? Thanks for asking!

You’ll notice that I titled this post ‘Misfire’. If you aren’t familiar with guns, a ‘misfire’ can be caused by many things, most of them innocuous and easy to remedy. Many times, all you need to do is smack the magazine back into place or rack the slide and eject the bullet (depending on firearm and model).

I just had a misfire. This photo and my subsequent mindset are nothing more than a misfire. Now I need a smack to the head. I need to rack my brain, eject this bullshit and reset my way of thinking.

Then I need a new target to set my sights on and God help him when I do. But in the meantime, I have a new hobby to focus on. Stay tuned…