Careful What You Wish For

Well. I was supposed to get my tattoo finished today, but I didn’t and let me tell you why.

Seems I fucked up AGAIN. Me, and my big mouth.

My tattoo guy and I are buddies. We don’t hang out outside of the parlor, but we joke around when I’m under the needle. Your tattoo dude is like your hairdresser or barber- you confide your secrets while in the chair and they know EVERYTHING. So he and I are close, ya know? I’ve never texted him about anything other than tattoo-related business. No invitations to have coffee, not even checking in if I know he’s been sick after canceling an appointment. On the odd occasion that I DO need to text him, I might use a term of endearment like, “Hey babe”, or “Hey handsome”, just like I do with a thousand other people, including most of the customers who walk through the door of my shop. I don’t discriminate- I use those flirty words with everyone, old men, women, children, dogs…doesn’t matter.

Thing is, his wife didn’t appreciate it and I found this out today when I went to have a tattoo completed. Doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean anything by it, that I had no malicious intent and wasn’t trying to steal her man. Her perception all that matters and SHE believes that there was something onerous going on. As he explained it, “She’s been yelling at me since you sent the ‘hey handsome’ text and she doesn’t want me tattooing you anymore. I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but she’s my wife.”

Um. Yeah. She’s your WIFE. End of conversation. Nice knowing you. Offer her my sincerest, heartfelt apologies and ask her if she’d be ok with you tattooing my kid since you’re the only one I trust to do it? I’ll see you on the flipside, no hard feelings, And by the way, can you recommend someone you trust to finish my arm?

There’s no argument here. No justifying. No, “But can’t you explain…” or “Dude, can’t you at least finish my arm…” It’s his wife. His marriage. That’s IT. I’m well and truly fucked here. There is no one else who can do line work like this guy. You don’t change horses mid-stream. Luckily the tat is at a point where I can just leave it alone and it won’t look too stupid. The main problem is that it stops mid-bicep, whereas the one on my other arm goes all the way to my elbow. I’ll just be a bit unbalanced, but what else is new?

So what’s my point in all this? Thanks for asking!

I am 100% convinced this would not have happened 70lbs ago.

You read that correctly. I am convinced that the only reason this is happening is because I lost weight and am now perceived as ‘attractive’. And yes, his wife knows what I look like because he follows me on Facebook.

See, my personality hasn’t changed- I’m still the same sassy, flirtatious, big mouth I have always been, but no one’s significant other ever gave a second thought about the way I spoke to their husband back when I looked like a linebacker. Take my friend The Bear, for example. His girlfriend is not a fan of our friendship for several reasons, and I have been asked by The Bear that when I text him, I should be less ‘effusive’ in my greetings. In other words, don’t refer to him as, ‘babe’. Or on speakerphone, I can’t reply with ‘chicken butt’ (as in ‘what’s up chicken butt’), or something akin to “nothin’ boo, what’s up with you”. I now have to censor myself. This is a problem for someone who can barely remember why she texted or called in the first place.

And it’s not just The Bear. It’s pretty much every male in my life. They all act differently when their significant others are around. This never used to happen when I was the size of a Toyota Tercel.

I don’t like this.

Shooter T maintains that it’s because I am now a ‘threat’ and I better get used to it. My ego (or lack thereof) doesn’t allow me to see it that way. I’m still the same chunky, balding sack of potatoes I’ve been for the last 20 years, only now I’m 52 years old and my ass is so flat that even White dudes won’t give it the time of day. It’s strange. I know I’ve lost weight because I had to buy new clothes, but it doesn’t register as a POSITIVE thing because I have all this flabby flab. My tattoo guy is well aware of the flabby flab because he tattooed my stomach and my upper arm- how could I actually think he’d find me attractive?? It never occurred to me that he might- I genuinely never thought about it. It DID occur to me that he might be repulsed by my flabby flab, but I rationalized that I couldn’t possibly be the most disgusting client he’s ever had, which he confirmed by revealing that particular story.

So now I’m sad. I don’t want to have to censor who I am because other people think I’m going to hone in on their territory. I’m not that person.

If I’m fat, I hate me.

If I’m thin, everyone else does, and now I do as well.

I can’t win.