What I Thought It Would Be, Ain’t Reality

Did you ever look at your life and say, “What the fuck? It wasn’t supposed to be like this”.

I’m guessing that when you were in your teens and 20s, you probably figured that you’d have a kick ass apartment, with or without matching kick ass roommates. You’d work at your kick ass job, then hit the club until all hours and do it all over again the next day, until you finally meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, settle down, have kids, live in a mansion and fuck every day until you die…Or some version thereof.

Maybe your job entailed a working on a farm or in a garage, or a hospital or a family business that you eventually take over, or maybe your apartment is actually a starter home and you go straight to family life…whatever. The point is that you had a vision, a plan, a dream.

So…how’s that working out for you?

Most Americans are up to their eyeballs in debt. Bet they didn’t close their teenage eyes at night thinking, “Wow, it would be great to live paycheck to paycheck!” even if that’s how they grew up and it’s all they’ve ever known. Many don’t have proper healthcare. Did they even consider that the sex they have in their 20s might require a copay to help cover the cost of birth control? Or worse, STD prescriptions? And later, hospitalization during the birth of those ankle-biting rugrats they wanted?

Finances, mortgages, spouses, kids…it’s all bullshit. But that bullshit will break you.

Thing is, that first paragraph? The one about having a job and kick ass roommates and a house and a spouse, etc? That’s my life. Mansion and everything, all wrapped up in a debtless bow, with a retirement plan on top.

…all except for the ‘fuck until you die part’. And that’s a BIG part.

Those who have followed me for some time have probably realized by now that I’m in a very fortunate financial position relative to 90% of the population. It’s nothing I have to be proud of on a personal level- I’m not the one who earned it. I am proud of the fact that I have taught my husband how to be charitable, a trait that his parents never saw fit to instill in him since they were never particularly generous themselves.

My point is simply that money does not in fact, buy happiness.

“Wanna bet?”

Sure. Just ask DOC.

“Poor little rich girl has everything. Her husband won’t fuck her, but he lets her get it elsewhere so what the fuck is she bitching about”?

You know what? I’d rather fuck my husband. Scratch that. I’d rather have a husband I want to fuck.

I’d rather my husband make his health a priority thereby tangentially making fucking me a priority, rather than buying me purses to make up for the fact that he can’t fuck me.

I want to be able to spoil my husband with lingerie and massages and naughty texts and spontaneous hummers and all that sassy stuff that married couples do. But…I can’t. Because HE can’t anymore and because even if he could, I don’t want to with HIM because that ship has sailed and it ain’t coming back. Ever. And he knows it. And what’s worse, it doesn’t seem to bother him all that much.

But tell me, Wise Readers…What am I really missing? What is married sex really like?

Marlboro Man maintains that he and Wifey have a great sex life. When his work cohorts joke about him being married and never getting laid, he laughs and says, “Nope, not a problem in my house”. Then again, he’s only home about 10 days month. My friends The CEO and The Smarty Pants have sex every day…at least they used to until she started menopause. Now she has zero interest, but he’s hanging in there. You may say, “That’s bullshit- they were probably lying”, but having known them as long as I have, I’m 99.9% sure they were macking on the reg. You can just tell these things.

The married ladies in My Tribe aren’t getting laid at all. Actually out of the 8 of us, only 4 are married and none of us are getting any. Three of them are holding out for various reasons and I’m the fourth. My parents haven’t bumped uglies since my brothers were conceived and they just turned 43 (yes, I’m sure). So maybe I’m not missing anything? Maybe I have an inflated vision of what married sex is supposed to be?

Well, there’s a reason Ashley Madison made money.

When I got married, I admit that part of the reason I chose Hubby is because he was SAFE. I was on the tail end of many years of trauma and he was the safe choice. I didn’t anticipate that it would bite me in the ass later on (yeah, I know how that sounds). But I made my bed, now I needed to lay in it (yes, I heard that, too). Luckily, he gets that I need what I need, so he lets me do what I need to do, but it’s mainly out of guilt. It took years for him to get past the ‘I don’t want other people playing with my toy’ mentality. That’s right, Wise Reader- it had nothing to do with love or betrayal or fear that I would leave him. It was that he didn’t want anyone else playing with his toy, even though he wasn’t going to.

So here I sit, Prada bag in my hand, big ‘ol ring on my finger, real nice car in my driveway, cobwebs in my chooch.

Am I happy? No.

Good thing I can afford therapy.