Excuse Me, May I Call You Chucklenuts?

[This is the note I planned to send Marlboro Man]

I have always had a need to explain myself. I think it stems from never having been allowed to speak my mind and defend myself as a kid, so I’m doing it now. Just humor me and I’ll finally get out of your hair, m’kay, Chucklenuts?

Jesus- I can hear your eyes rolling all the way from here. I am not a drama queen, nor am I trying to get your attention to illicit a response. I’m not expecting one, nor do I care if I get one. Relax. Also, no one we know is aware that this blog exists. This is the last vestige of privacy I have in this world so this message is between us. Keep it that way or I will hunt you down and pour nail polish remover in your ammo cans.

Here goes…

Thanks for not sexually assaulting me.

That is such a weight off my chest. Fantastic!

I have been wanting to tell you that since my therapist explained that it’s somehow relevant and will help me to stop eating everything in sight, but you refuse to stand still long enough to let me.

Stop shaking your head like that. This isn’t about YOU, it’s about ME and my need to show gratitude. You got two cases of beer out of this, the least you can do is hear me out and just roll with it.

You could have been a bad, bad man like so many before you (perhaps you noticed the scars while you were ogling me?), but you weren’t. This does not happen in my world. You played nice and you were respectful of my boundaries. And let me tell you this: the only reason you were even in that position is because I knew I could trust you. In my heart Marlboro Man, I knew it. And I was right.

In my life, only two other men have treated me with that kind of respect, and I married one of them.

And yes, I recognize that it’s FUCKING RIDICULOUS that I am thanking a man for NOT assaulting me, but here we are. You don’t need the details- just know that you play the hero in this story and that’s why I will always have a soft spot in my heart for you. You are the most virtuous asshole I know, and I know a LOT of assholes.

Ok, so there it is. I dun said what I have to say on this subject- that wasn’t so bad, was it? Betcha feel stupid for dragging out this shit for so long. If you’d have just let me get this off my chest a year ago, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

I haven’t decided what I’m doing about the group but whether I stick around or not, you’re off the hook. Do I wish you would explain why you treat me the way you do? Whether it’s something I did, or maybe it has to do with Wifey, or if you just don’t like me as a human being? Yeah I guess on some level it would be nice to know. You have to admit that you run kind of hot and cold and it’s hard to know which tap is on at any given moment. Ambiguity has never been my thing, especially when it comes to people who have seen me naked.

Regardless, everything I need to say to you has been said.

I’m unloaded, my chamber is clear, this stage has been reset.

Squad out, Baby 😉.