What You See is What You Get

If you are a fan of Alanis Morissette, these words might sound familiar. They are the refrain from a song of hers entitled ‘So Unsexy’. It’s an older song, circa 2002 but it could have been written at any point in my life and it would have rang true.

I finally decided to have it added to my growing collection of tattoos a few months ago. It seemed befitting since this song has been the background music in my head for over 20 years, but seems to be even more apropos of my life at this moment in time.

It’s ironic (don’t you think) that despite the MS, I’m in better shape and carry myself with more confidence than I ever have, yet I feel more lost and unsure of myself than I ever did.

I’ve regressed back to high school. Questioning friendships and loyalties, lamenting the dumb things I’ve done and said in an effort to get a boys attention. Spending hours and days and months wondering, “Why not ME? What’s wrong with ME?” Feeling as though my brain is slowly seeping from my ears…

I was once so quick-witted and praised for being intelligent and clever. Now I can barely string a sentence together without pausing to remember what word comes next and while I’m trying to figure that out, I forget what the hell I was talking about to begin with.

Menopause? Old age? Early onset dementia? A bit from columns A, B and C? Who knows.

What I DO know is that my life is more than half over and I can’t say that I’ve ever been truly happy. I don’t think anyone is ever happy with every aspect of their life, and I don’t expect to be either. It would be nice to have a crystal ball, though. Some way of knowing whether I’ll ever have that giddy feeling of lust and passion again.

In the meantime, I should tattoo something else on my body in case I forget who I am. God forbid this is what I am left with once the dementia kicks in.